SAW A BUG???  Call (not-to-be-named Exterminator)!

Think of the message this sends.  If I see a tiny bug, I should immediately freak out and call in the troops?  Even if it’s just a fly?  What if it’s a ladybug?  Have we gone so far that the sight of any bug should lead us to fog our house with pesticides, never mind the other risks of infusing this insect-killing chemical in our home?

Now let me be clear:  I’m no big fan of most bugs, and I’m not afraid to swat my shoe or pick up a can of Raid when the situation arises.  I did grow up in the New Mexico desert where tarantulas and scorpions visited upon occasion, and I did not enjoy it.  But I don’t want to overreact to every bug that flits by.  More importantly, I don’t want to teach my suburban kids to freak out at the sight of a benign bug.  That’s just silly.   They were here first, after all, and some bugs are meaner than others.  That’s my expert opinion on the biological technicalities.  For more information, check out Be Nice to Spiders, one of my favorite childhood books. 

Awhile ago, I witnessed a beautiful reaction to a bug “invasion” by my daughter’s second grade teacher.  A small, nondescript bug–it might have even been a spider–lighted on the shoulder of an oblivious student.  The other children began noticing and getting agitated.  When Mrs. K realized what was happening, she immediately stopped the class and said,

“Oh my goodness!   Look at this. . . you are so fortunate!   What an honor that he chose to land on you. . . let me just help you . . .” as she swept up the offending vermin with her bare hand, showed it to the children, pointed out its bug anatomy, walked to the door and gently released it outside. 

The children stopped in their tracks, instantly shifting from fear to fascination.  The targeted child never flinched and seemed privileged to be in the spotlight, rather than embarrassed.  They carefully observed the insect (or arachnid, I can’t quite remember) and actually learned something about it.  And they learned a critical lesson:  you don’t have to go into hysterics just because something unexpected happens. 

Insead of whipping up more fear, Mrs. K transformed the situation into an honor.  A great opportunity.  I’m so glad I was present for the lesson. 

photo credit: Claus Rebler

“I meet many parents who are trying so hard to be perfect parents, to make everything just right for their children, that they are draining away their pleasure in parenting.  They’re too exhausted and too unconsciously resentful to enjoy the amazing show of childhood. . .

. . . My advice to all of these parents is to tolerate some low-quality time.  Have a little less ambition for yourself and your children.  Plan nothing.  Disappoint your kids with your essential mediocrity and the dullness of your home.  Just hang around your children and wait to see what develops.  Strive to be a good enough parent, not a great one.  It can make everyone in the family relax, and paradoxically, make life richer.”

--from The Blessing of a Skinned Knee:  Using Jewish Teachings to Raise Self-Reliant Children by Wendy Mogel, Ph.D.

I print this not to be pessimistic, but with the hope of accepting and celebrating ourselves and our children right where we are. 

May we all remember to celebrate the joy of being good enough. 

Discuss.

Now that fall is approaching full swing, are you having conversations like this?

How was your day? fine.

What happened at school (or work)? not much.

Wanna talk about it? not really.

It seems like no matter how hard I try, those questions never seem to elicit much information, especially as my kids grow older.  A wise school counselor once suggested phrasing the question differently to draw out more of a response.  Just begin with “I wonder. . .” and ask about a more specific scenario: 

I wonder. . . who you sat with at lunch today?

I wonder. . . how things went in math class?

I wonder. . . what kids do before the first bell rings?

Somehow, when I phrase my questions this way, my kids want to fill in the blanks for poor, clueless, curious mom.  They begin to open up and I actually learn something about their world away from home.   We have a real, back and forth, give and take conversation.  Amazing.

Try it today! I wonder how it will work in your family?

For more great Works for Me Wednesday ideas, go to We are THAT Family.

SteadyMom inspired me with her post on do-overs: 

Let’s try that again.

How much do I love this powerful phrase?  Let me count the ways:

1. “Let’s try that again” models grace with accountability.  It corrects with a focus on what can be done better, not what was done wrong. 
2. It’s friendly and positive.  It requires no raised voices, consequences or punishments.  Just a do-over.
3. It invokes cooperation and support. 
4. It works for toddlers, children, teenagers and adults. 
5. It works for minor and major transgressions.
6. It works for parents too.

So next time things don’t quite go as planned, look for opportunities to say, “Let’s try that again.” 

Works for me.  And just like the song says, grace will lead you home.

For more great ideas, check out We are THAT family.

photo credit: Merry~Blues

“I can’t do it.”

“I’m no good at this.” 

“No one wants to play with me.”

or from yourself:

“I’m not one of those big-time bloggers.”

or

“I haven’t written a real book.”

So often we argue, countering, “Yes, you can!”, generating a back-and-forth argument, and causing our opponent to dig in heels.  To strenghten our case, we defend our statement just to convince the other person we’re speaking the truth.  We end up more convinced the original statement is right — or perhaps understated — and the other person is wrong. 

Instead, just add the magic word:

“You can’t do it. . . . YET.”

“Okay, you’re not good at this. . . YET.”

“Today, no one can play with you . . . YET.”

And tell yourself:

“I’m not one of those big-time bloggers. . . YET.”

“I haven’t written a real book. . . YET.”

See the difference?  Three little letters validate the sentiment, open up the conversation, shift emphasis toward the goal, and create a sense of possibility. 

I’m trying to work it in more often.  I’m not quite there yet.  But I can feel it coming.

Visit We are THAT Family  for more Works for Me Wednesday ideas.

photo credit: nyki_m

It gets especially onerous in the summer, when there are so many more interesting things to do outside, and there are many more bodies around my house making messes every five minutes.  

Enter the 27 thing fling.  I learned it from Flylady, a get-your-house-in-order website with whom I have a fond but fickle relationship.

Here’s how we do it (slightly different from Flylady’s 27-fling boogie):

At some point each day, everyone in the house must drop what he/she is doing and put away, give away, or throw away 27 things.   They can be big or small, and no one judges what the other chooses to fling.  We might run around the house, picking up those random things that get dropped here and there, or we might tackle just one pile.  It could take three or thirty minutes. 

Why 27 things?  No reason, except that it’s a memorable number and enough to get rolling, but not burdensome enough to generate great resistance.  We all have other chores as well, but this one helps get to those little extras that sneak up on us.    It’s a quick pickup that nobody minds too much, and it’s enough to make a dent in the clutter.   

Want to know the best part?  Sometimes we fling 28, or even 31 things to complete a project.  Even I do, once in awhile. 

What tricks do you use to get chores done at your place?  Check out We Are THAT Family for more creative ideas. 

photo credit: Ro / wererabbit

Ever since I quit my full time job (when child #3 was born), I’ve had trouble answering that common question:

What do you do?

For an embarassingly long time I would answer some variation of “I’m a stay home mom, but I used to do something important. . . ” (well, not exactly that, but it crossed my mind).  Yes, I know being a full time mother is important — that’s why I made the choice to become one — but I felt like there was so much more to me than the stereotype of “stay home mom.”  Besides that, I hardly ever was at home. 

I’m still a (hardly ever) stay home mom, but I also teach parent workshops, I tutor, I spend lots of time writing (even if it’s online, not on paper), I volunteer here and there, and I am interested in all kinds of things.  I’m not comfortable picking one label that defines me.  I’m multifaceted.  Aren’t we all?

Caryn Dahlstrand Rivadeneira offers a great solution in Mama’s Got a Fake ID:  How to Reveal the Real You Behind All that Mom:

I’m a mom and _____________.

She suggests we think of one thing we’d like people to know about us and pair it with the awesome job of being a mom.  Some examples:

• I’m a mom and a gardener.
• I’m a mom and a lawyer.
• I’m a mom and a preschool volunteer.
• I’m a mom and a runner.

Or, go with active verbs and say:

• I raise kids and raise horses (dogs?  gerbils?).
• I write, volunteer at school and take care of my family. 
• I drive around in circles enriching my children (okay, maybe not impressive, but accurate!)

Somehow the active method is easier for me.  I don’t have to wonder, “Is it okay to call myself a writer?” when I’m perfectly comfortable saying that I write, because I do.  I guess that does make me a writer, but that’s another conversation. 

The mom and ____ phrasing serves as a conversation opener.  It connects being a mom with other passions and important parts of me.  It also provides a more accurate, natural and broader picture what a mom does and who I am.  So here’s the line I might use next time I get that question:

I take care of my family and write about my adventures. 

And help parents communicate better.  And tutor for the ACT.  And volunteer.  And run around in circles, sometimes.   Okay, I’ve got some focusing work to do!

How do you answer that dreaded question:  What do you do? 

Please check out Magpie Girl’s inspiring article on this same subject:  Speaking with Authority, and find other helpful “works for me” tips at We Are THAT Family. 

Read more of my reflections on the Mama’s ID book here.

photo credit: Sarahnaut

photo credit: Exolucere

These ten questions to re-frame parenting issues always stop me in my tracks and change my approach.  Thomas and I closed Saturday’s parent workshop with this list by Chick Moorman and Thomas Haller.   Feel free to alter for your student/spouse/partner/friend as you see fit:

1.                  What if you saw your child as wounded or confused instead of wrong?

2.                  What if you saw the mistakes your child makes today as a learning opportunity?

3.                  What if you saw the behavior your child is exhibiting as age appropriate?

4.                  What if you saw your child today as unfinished and simply on the road to becoming who he or she is going to become?

5.                  What if you saw your child’s behavior as a cry for help?

6.                  What if you saw your child today as a child of God?

7.                  What if you saw your child as a teacher who is offering you a lesson?

8.                What if you saw your child’s behavior as perfect for helping him learn what he needs to learn right now?

9.                What if you saw your child for who she is rather than who you want her to be?

10.              What if you saw your child as being in the right place, at the right time, doing the right thing, right now?

If we’re having trouble finding the answers. . . have we asked the right questions? 

Soak up more of Thomas and Chick’s wisdom at Uncommon Parenting.  If you’re curious about my parent coaching business, please visit Practical Parenting Workshops.

Make it a great week!

I have some clutter issues.  You can tell this by looking at my fridge (that’s not my fridge, but mine’s almost as messy).   Buried among the magnets, artwork, appointment reminders, photos and other stuff are scraps of inspiration taped on the fridge in desperate moments.  Some have been there for years (I know, I have issues) and some are brand new. 

I glanced up the other day, noticed some patterns in the pieces, and thought I’d share them with you:

Starting a quarrel is like breaching a dam;

so DROP THE MATTER before a dispute breaks out.

–Proverbs 17:14 (emphasis mine)

Let us consider how we may spur one another on

toward love and good deeds.

–Hebrews 10:24

Clothe yourselves with compassion, kindness, humility, meekness, and patience

. . .above all, clothe yourselves with love

–Collosians 3:12-17

And finally, this nugget from a thought-provoking post by Robin at Pensieve:

People withhold from others
the very thing they need themselves.

–author unknown

Hmm. . . I think I’m hearing a familiar refrain.  Perhaps I need to take care of myself and show more compassion for others. 

Sometimes just collecting the pieces and finding the patterns works for me. 

What does your refrigerator say about you?

photo credit: Sean94110

Most parents in my workshops respond, “Good job!  Nice catch.  Beautiful picture.  Wonderful story.”

That’s okay, but it could be better.  I tend to hunger for more.  There’s a reason.

I’ve learned to think about two parts to every comment:

1. 1)  Our words (good job!)
2. 2)  The child’s internal words (”cool!” or maybe “whatever” or “not really“)

Which one carries more weight?  You got it — #2.  The internal words will create the tape that replays in her mind.  That’s the part that sticks.  We want to shape our praise so that she tells herself–internally–“I did a great job.” 

Typically, we evaluate or judge our child’s product or behavior (That’s “great”).  It may work temporarily, but for the long term we want our kids to evaluate on their own.   A confident person can self-evaluate without depending on someone else.  This is crucial in the teenage years, when peers become the ultimate resource.  Evaluations are also easy to discredit.  How many of us say, “This old thing?” when someone tries to compliment us?  Or when you tell a teen she’s beautiful or smart, does she believe it?

A better way:  Build confidence with evidence.  Use the phrase “I noticed. . .” 

Make your praise descriptive, like a video camera.  Notice the factual details, the effort, the steps toward success, and then replay it for your child. 

“I noticed you worked on catching that fish for 45 minutes.”  Then bite your tongue. . . and let the child think, “I’m persistent.  I did a good job.”

“I noticed Abby smiling when you helped her with that project.”  The evidence of Abby smiling is more powerful than telling him how nice he was.

“I noticed that sweater really brings out the color of your eyes.”  Teach your partner this one.  You might look in the mirror and actually believe it!

Everyone loves to be noticed.  Use “I noticed. . . “ and tell me how you notice the impact.

Do you live in or around Southeast Michigan?  Come learn The Six Best Parenting Strategies Ever with me and Thomas Haller on March 28th.  Click here to get the scoop. 

Go to We are THAT Family for more Works for Me Wednesday ideas.

Yes, this post first ran in October 2008.  Thanks to those of you who might be reading again.