Most parents in my workshops respond, “Good job!  Nice catch.  Wonderful story.”

There are two parts to every verbal interaction with our kids:

1. 1)  Our words (good job!)
2. 2)  The child’s internal words (“cool!” or maybe “whatever, mom” or “not really“)

Which one carries more weight?  You got it — #2.  The child’s internal words will repeat over and over again in his head.  We want to shape our praise so that he responds internally with “I did a great job.” 

When we say, “good job”, we are providing an evaluation or judgment of our child’s product or behavior.  That’s okay, but for the long term we want our kids to learn how to evaluate or judge behavior on their own.   A self confident person can self-evaluate without depending on someone else’s evaluation.  Especially in the teenage years, when peers become the ultimate resource, this is important.  Also, evaluations are easy to discount or discredit.  When someone notices how great you look, how many of us say, “This old thing?” or come up with a self-criticizing response?

A better way:  Build confidence with evidence.  Use the phrase “I noticed. . .” 

Make your praise descriptive, like a video camera that records objective information.  Notice the factual details, the effort, the steps toward success, and then replay it for your child. 

“I noticed you worked on catching that fish for 45 minutes.”  Then bite your tongue. . . and let the child think, “I did a good job.”

“I noticed Abby smiling when you helped her with that project.”  The evidence of Abby smiling is more powerful than telling him how nice he was.

“I noticed that sweater really brings out the color of your eyes.”  Teach your partner this one.  You might look in the mirror and actually believe it!

Everyone loves to be noticed.  Use “I noticed. . . “ and notice the impact on your kids! 

Special thanks to mentor and friend Chick Moorman for teaching me this and many other parenting skills.

For more Works for Me ideas, go to Rocks in My Dryer.

photo credits: cobalt123, teapics, AperturePriority