“I can’t do it.”

“I’m no good at this.” 

“No one wants to play with me.”

or from yourself:

“I’m not one of those big-time bloggers.”

or

“I haven’t written a real book.”

So often we parents argue, countering, “Yes, you can!”, generating a back-and-forth argument, and causing our partner (adversary?) to dig in her heels.  The “I can’t” person gets defensive, adding strength to the argument just to convince the other person she’s right.  It doesn’t seem to help at all, does it?  In fact, we sometimes end up more convinced the original statement is right — or perhaps understated — and further from encouragement. 

Instead, empathize and just add the magic word:

“You can’t do it. . . . YET.”

“Okay, you’re not good at this. . . YET.”

“Today, no one can play with you . . . YET.”

And tell yourself:

“I’m not one of those big-time bloggers. . . YET.”

“I haven’t written a real book. . . YET.”

See the difference?  Three little letters validate the sentiment, open up the conversation, shift emphasis toward the goal, and create a sense of possibility. 

I’m trying to work it in more often.  I’m not quite there yet.  But I can feel it coming.

Visit We are THAT Family  for more Works for Me Wednesday ideas.

photo credit: nyki_mi

adapted from the archives

“Mom, I just can’t stand to be in the same room with them anymore,”  she said, with tears welling up in her eyes.  “No one understands how bad they make me feel.” 

I felt the puddles well up in mine too.  The constant banter of put-downs slung between siblings over the long holiday was taking its toll.  My daughter was playing the victim in this case, but I knew it wasn’t a one-way street:  I’d witnessed plenty of antagonizing behavior from all three corners of this tumultuous triangle. 

I know sibling rivalry is a natural thing, and I do believe people can’t live together without some frustrations and annoyances.  With two middle schoolers clamoring for status, and a third grader trying to keep up, sarcasm and insults have invaded our home.  They’re tough pests to eradicate.  I want my kids to develop lasting relationships that will carry into adulthood, so I try to help them work out their differences with respect. 

Lately, though, I had fallen into the easier habit of scolding the offender when I caught wind of it:  “We don’t talk to each other that way in this family,” or “If I hear one more put down, you’re losing a privilege.”   The problem was, one child tended to be the target of the scolding.  Although he was typically saying the most outrageous things, I wasn’t catching the stealthy jabs of one or the incessant attention-seeking of the other.  The oft-scolded child was feeling resentful, the youngest was encouraged to tattle, and it simply wasn’t getting any better.   

It was time for an intervention.

I called them together and asked her to tell her brother what she shared with me.  As she began, the defenses shot up:  “That’s not what I said!  She constantly accuses me . . . ” So I had him explain his point of view, and his sister eventually admitted her role in the battle.  I asked them how they really felt when they picked on each other like this.  “It’s not getting us anywhere,”  one finally said.

Exactly. 

To shift direction, I asked them to write down ten things they appreciated about one another.  “Real things about the person,” I urged, “not ‘I like your shirt’ or something shallow.”   Typically, my kids sulk away with such an assignment but come up with pretty good comments when they’re left alone to write. 

To my surprise, middle son started talking aloud.  “I really like playing games with you when we’re not angry,” he said.  “I kind of like it when you act crazy,” she responded.  “I like seeing you laugh,” he added, “and I like it when you make me laugh.”    They went on for awhile, fondly remembering the fun they enjoy together.  My favorite comments:  “I like it when you come in my room when I cry”; “Sharing thoughts with you,” and on both of their lists:  “I really like playing with the rats with you.”   Who knew those Christmas rodents would create harmony in our house?

When big brother walked into the room, he slung an insult out of habit.  The other two stopped him cold.  “Looks like you need to write down ten things you appreciate about us,”  his siblings ordered.   He sputtered and squawked for awhile, but they held him to it.  He came up with a pretty good list, actually.  Number six: “I enjoy playing with the rats together.”     

Maybe there’s hope for this trio of siblings after all.  I know the harmony won’t last long, but I’ve got some lists to remind them (and me) of those happier times together.

And when all else fails, just let out the rats.

photo credit: Laenulfean

My middle son (age 11) is a dramatic one.  He loves goofing around, speaking in funny voices, and even dressing up upon occasion.  He’s always dreamed of being an actor.  I have no idea whether he’d be good at it, but I do know he would have a blast. 

But he doesn’t like to be pressured.  He wants to know exactly what to expect.  And the most important thing in the world right now?  His friends.  Of course, that’s the nature of 6th grade:  those other tweens know so much more about the real world–at least what’s cool or interesting– than mom does.  If mom thinks it’s cool, it’s most likely not.  That’s probably my fatal flaw.       

When the opportunity of the all-school play arose, I was sure he’d want to join.   This isn’t a dweeby activity–the annual play at our middle school is a huge event.  Everyone who makes the commitment is accepted, and last year, almost 200 kids danced and sang their way through Bye Bye Birdie.  The community support for this gig is unbelievable.  My son saw the production and clearly announced he wanted to join as soon as he could. 

That was before he started talking to his new 6th grade friends.  Most haven’t experienced any of these productions, so they rejected the idea of putting themselves out there.  What self-respecting 6th grade boy would do such a thing?  

Except we all knew this activity was perfect for this 6th grade boy.   That is, everyone but my son knew it, and the unknown is to be avoided at all costs.   

So despite much encouragement, haranguing, pressure and bargaining, he dug his heels in deep.  I finally remembered to follow my own parenting advice:  let him make the choice.  If I forced him to do it, he’d probably keep arguing about every rehearsal.  The battle between us would continue, and he’d have a hard time enjoying the process on his own.  We’ve learned this the hard way on other matters, and sometimes I’m slow to learn. 

So we let him choose.  He’s not doing the play this year, and he doesn’t have to be in the shadow of his big brother (which probably was part of the issue).  He’s got two more years to see if he’s interested, and if he does, he’ll throw his whole self into it.  (And he’ll love it, mom knows!)

I think we all breathed a sigh of relief when the decision was made, and I’m fine with it now.  I love my kid for sticking to his convictions.  But I really hope he chooses to do it next year.

photo credit: Wootang01

Maybe.  Or maybe not.  It depends.

I had fun reading the first book, and part of the second, but as I read deeper into the series, I began to feel queasy about issues that had nothing to do with vampires or sexual tension.  This saga is targeted to impressionable adolescents who are just beginning to sort out love and relationships.  

And I don’t want my sons or daughter to seek relationships like these. 

They probably won’t, since we don’t know any vampires or werewolves, but even so, I want to help my kids think through some of the following questions:

1)  What do you think of Bella Swan (the girl-next-door heroine)? 

Do you think Bella is good role model?  What makes her appealing beyond her looks (and apparently, her scent)?  Is she interested in anything besides Edward Cullen?  Do you think her accident-prone nature is endearing?  Does she believe in herself?  Do you relate to her struggles?  Would you want to be Bella’s friend?   

2)  What do you think of Edward Cullen (the hot–excuse me, cold– vampire boyfriend)?

Okay, Edward is gorgeous, chivalrous, sophisticated, and did I say gorgeous?   I might swoon for him too (except for the cold, hard, sparkly skin part–that’s not for me).  What do you like about the way he treats Bella?  Does anything concern you?   What do you think about the multiple-century age difference between them?

3)  How about Jacob Black (the other friend/werewolf)?

What qualities do you see in Jacob?  What makes him different from Edward?  Who would you prefer as a friend?

3)  Are there any humans in this series you could look up to?

Are there any (human) women you admire in this movie?  What about men?  (Do you hear the sound of crickets chirping?)

4)  What do you think of Edward and Bella’s relationship?

It’s really exciting to be loved, rescued and protected by a superhuman dreamboat who would do anything for you.   Edward clearly loves Bella.  But seriously, how much fun would it really be to be Edward Cullen’s girlfriend (aside from the constant threat of peril)?  Would you really enjoy being watched nonstop, even while you weren’t aware of it?  What if your boyfriend forbid you to go places or talk to certain people?   What if he got really angry and out of control sometimes?  Are these signs of a healthy relationship, or not?

When Edward leaves her, Bella falls into deep depression until she befriends another guy (Jacob).   Do you think Bella could be happy without a boy?  If you were her friend, what advice would you give Bella?  Do you know the warning signs of serious depression?  What are some healthier ways to deal with heartbreak? 

*******************************

Now, many of you might feel like I’m getting much too serious about this fantasy.  I get that.  I think people can enjoy the passionate thrill of these movies.  My boys will probably roll their eyes and moan, “Mom, you’re doing it again.  We can handle this–we know it’s not like real life!”  and that’s okay with me.  That’s my job as their mother.  I need to be sure my kids don’t want to be just like Edward.  Or Bella.  Or both, together.   Because that could become a bloody mess–for real. 

If you’re looking for balanced information to decide whether movies, games or books are age appropriate, I highly recommend Common Sense Media. 

With the above caveats, I hope you enjoy the movie, the adventure, and the eye candy.    Let me know what you think. 

This article from Chick Moorman and Thomas Haller always re-frames my thinking gives me a lift.  I’m printing my favorite snippets; please read the complete article here.

____________________________________________

Special Thanks This Thanksgiving
By Chick Moorman and Thomas Haller

Millions of parents will pause this Thanksgiving to do what the day was originally created for — give thanks for the many blessings that exist in their lives. . .But what if your appreciation this Thanksgiving took on a new look? What if the blessings you count this year included situations that aren’t usually regarded as helpful, useful or valuable? Consider the following:

Why not be thankful that your child is two years behind grade level in his reading ability? This struggling reader is giving you the opportunity to read to him regularly at night. This evening ritual will help build connectedness between you and your child while at the same time modeling your love for the printed word. Great literature can be shared as you simultaneously bond with your child. This opportunity is an incredible blessing. Appreciate it. . .

Why not be thankful that your teenager received a speeding ticket? Getting a ticket is not a bad thing. Not if your teen learns from it and slows her driving for the next year. If she takes personal responsibility, pays the ticket, and is more cautious about her driving, the ticket may well save her life or the life of someone else in the future. Bless the ticket and give thanks for its blessings.

Why not be thankful that your 8-year-old shoplifted in the grocery store? This is the perfect time to teach your child about shoplifting. Better now than when he helps himself to someone else’s car when he is 18. Teach him how to make amends. Teach him what to say as he returns the candy bars to the storeowner. Help him learn to articulate what he learned and what he intends to do differently next time. Bless this perfect time to teach lessons about taking things that don’t belong to you. Be grateful for the opportunity.

Why not be thankful that your youngsters track mud and sand into the garage and house? The next time you stand in the garage furiously sweeping sand and wishing that your children were better behaved; quietly remind yourself that one day you’ll wish you had sand to sweep out of the garage. Love the mud. Love the sand. Be grateful for the signs of the presence of children in your life. . .

Why not be thankful that your adolescent asked you about sex? This is a great sign. It means your child trusts you enough to talk to you about sex. It means she is not getting all her sex knowledge from the street. It means you have moved beyond “the talk” to having an ongoing, honest conversation about the important subject of sex. Congratulate yourself. It is a blessing that you are willing to fulfill that role for your child and that she is responding to it positively. Give thanks. . .

Why not give thanks that your child is spilling milk, talking with his mouth full, wiping cranberry sauce on his new pants, refusing to eat his vegetables, and interrupting his grandmother at the dinner table this day? It means you have more work to do as a parent. It means your job is not yet done. This is a blessing. You are still needed to help your child learn to pour milk more carefully, improve his table manners, learn to eat nutritiously, and show respect for elders. Give thanks for these opportunities. . .

This Thanksgiving remember that parenting is a ministry. It is a sacred role that you are being called to perform. Give thanks that you have been called. Give thanks that you are willing to step forward and accept that call. Appreciate that you are being shown the way. Celebrate yourself and your contribution to healing the planet by helping your children evolve into the people they were meant to be. You are a blessing to the world. Give thanks that you are up to the task.

Happy Thanksgiving.

Chick Moorman and Thomas Haller are the authors of The 10 Commitments: Parenting with Purpose.  Follow their parenting posts at Uncommon-Parenting.

Also, it’s not to late to join me in the 30 Days of Gratitude project this month.  Check it out here. 

photo credit: TheAlieness GiselaGiardino²³

Schedule a one mile “luggage walk” with their fully packed travel gear a week before departure:

Might seem silly, but it’s a very effective way to ensure they can carry all of their stuff.  

Sometimes the most brilliant strategies are the simplest.  

How do you get your kids to think ahead?

Now that fall is approaching full swing, are you having conversations like this?

How was your day? fine.

What happened at school (or work)? not much.

Wanna talk about it? not really.

It seems like no matter how hard I try, those questions never seem to elicit much information, especially as my kids grow older.  A wise school counselor once suggested phrasing the question differently to draw out more of a response.  Just begin with “I wonder. . .” and ask about a more specific scenario: 

I wonder. . . who you sat with at lunch today?

I wonder. . . how things went in math class?

I wonder. . . what kids do before the first bell rings?

Somehow, when I phrase my questions this way, my kids want to fill in the blanks for poor, clueless, curious mom.  They begin to open up and I actually learn something about their world away from home.   We have a real, back and forth, give and take conversation.  Amazing.

Try it today! I wonder how it will work in your family?

For more great Works for Me Wednesday ideas, go to We are THAT Family.

How’s your morning routine going? Do you hear some variation of this tape running every day:

“Get dressed. . . you’ve got to eat breakfast. . .brush your hair. . . do you have your homework? . . . don’t forget your lunch. . . did you brush your teeth?. . .remember I’m picking you up today. . . “

Now, don’t you think, after hearing this tape several hundred days a year, our children (or spouses?) would know what to do in the morning without our constant reminders?  Maybe not.  If we constantly remind them, there’s no need to remember on their own.  And whose fault is it when they get to school without lunch?  Ours, of course.  We didn’t remind them. 

There’s a simple solution:  Check Yourself

It works like this:

1. Set expectations
2. Provide a system for success
3. Say, “check yourself” and hold your tongue
4. Let the consequences do the teaching
5. Enjoy your coffee

This works wonders for kids of all ages.  When my kids were 4, 6, and 9, we created a simple checklist for morning, after school, and bedtime routines.   We talked about how this would make those parts of the day easier for me and for them.   I posted it on the door, and when morning came, I would just say, “check yourself” or “check the list.”  It took some time to adjust, but soon they learned to take on responsibility for the routine.

The critical piece is this:  If they forget something on the list, we have to let the consequence happen.  So if he forgets his homework, the response is, “Bummer.  What are you going to do about that?”  Definitely empathize, but without “shoulds” and “I told you sos”.  I need to let my child be frustrated with his forgetfulness, not my blaming.  If I decide to rescue him (which I’ll admit I typically do once a season), I’m fully aware that it delays the lesson.  Chick Moorman puts it like this:

1. Rescue once? you’re a nice mom
2. Rescue twice? it becomes an expectation
3. Rescue three times?  Congratulations.  You have a new job. 

I hope to teach my children to self-monitor and take on little responsibilities, so they become responsible adult citizens.  Also, I’m lazy and don’t want to do all the work around here.    

Do we still have chaotic, crazy mornings?  Of course we do.  I mess this up a lot.  But when I’m using this strategy, it works for me.  I hope it works for you too.

photo credit: bookgrl

I received this email announcement yesterday: 

BECAUSE OF GROWING THREAT OF THE H1N1 VIRUS IN OUR COMMUNITY

WE WILL BE CANCELING THE POTLUCK PORTION OF THE MEETING. 

Color me confused.  The potluck itself is no big deal to me –I’m happy to skip preparing a dish– but I cannot find any logical explanation besides irrational fear.  There is no huge outbreak of H1N1 in our area, but “a growing threat”.  I’m sure there are some cases, I’m sure there will be more, and we’re all taking precautions like washing hands often and staying home if we’re sick.  Yes, sharing food is also discouraged, but I don’t expect this crowd to be swapping saliva like kids in the cafeteria. 

I feel like fear is turning our world upside down and topsy turvy:

• Potluck?  Scary.  Same group sending kids overseas?  Great idea. 
• Using the bully pulpit to encourage kids?  Scary.  Pulling kids out of school to avoid it?  Great idea.
• Health care reform?  Scary.  Keeping millions of people uninsured?  Great idea. 

I don’t mean to belittle the complexity or legitimate concerns surrounding these issues, and I admit, mentioning those hot button topics scares me a bit.  Most challenges can’t be boiled down to polar right/wrong sides but require discussion, debate, and negotiation.  I just feel like we’ve gotten a bit off kilter with hysteria.  It seems like fear is taking the lead on everything, and I don’t think that’s healthy.

Fear makes us hunker down and avoid contact.  It halts productive conversation, exchange of information, trust and enlightenment.  We make assumptions based on limited or skewed information and exaggerate differences.   We pass judgment.  The chasm grows.  It makes problem solving very difficult. 

And it blocks out love –as in “love your neighbor“– or the seriously radical one:  “love your enemies.”

As a parent, I want to model for my children both confidence and compassion.  If fear drives all of my decisions, I fail on both fronts.   Sure, I have my fears, and I worry at times.  I need to make sure my kids are safe.  But I need to keep the beast of fear from getting out of control, for my kids’ sake.  I want to get better at walking right in, facing the challenges, and seeking understanding before I react with fear. 

How do you keep fear in check?  We’ll talk more about this soon. 

A couple of related writings you might appreciate:

• Jon from Stuff Christians Like  on the bravery of a six year old.
• Allie Pleiter’s book Facing Every Mom’s Fears:  A Survival Guide to Balancing Fear with Courage

photo credit: kevindooley

Do you ever get stuck in that rut where all of your parenting tricks feel stale, and you feel like you’re talking in the same circles?  I feel that way more often than I care to admit.  No one has all the answers, but sometimes asking the right questions gets us back where we need to be.

These ten questions to re-frame parenting issues by Chick Moorman and Thomas Haller always stop me in my tracks and help me change my approach.  Feel free to adapt for your student/spouse/partner/friend as you see fit. 

Next time you’re frustrated with your child’s behavior, try asking yourself: 

1. What if you saw your child as wounded or confused instead of wrong?

2. What if you saw the mistakes your child makes today as a learning opportunity?

3. What if you saw the behavior your child is exhibiting as age appropriate?

4. What if you saw your child today as unfinished and simply on the road to becoming who he or she is going to become?

5. What if you saw your child’s behavior as a cry for help?

6. What if you saw your child today as a child of God?

7. What if you saw your child as a teacher who is offering you a lesson?

8. What if you saw your child’s behavior as perfect for helping him learn what he needs to learn right now?

9. What if you saw your child for who she is rather than who you want her to be?

10. What if you saw your child as being in the right place, at the right time, doing the right thing, right now?

If we’re struggling to find the answers. . . have we asked the right questions?

Soak up more of Thomas and Chick’s wisdom at Uncommon Parenting and check out more “works for me” ideas at We are THAT Family.   If you’re curious about my parent coaching business, please visit Practical Parenting Workshops.

**A version of this post was run in spring 2009.  I’m recovering from a lovely trip to Chicago and will share fresh news with you soon!**

photo credit: kortini