I’m so moved by all of you out there.  Many of you reponded privately to my last post with touching words of gratitude and relief.   I knew there was a need for recognition and validation of the hard work parents do.  I knew we needed to build up our community, not tear it down;  I just didn’t quite know what a nerve it would touch.  Thanks so much for sharing your stories with me. 

It’s clear we need to uplift one another, but somehow we rarely do so.  Perhaps we’ve just forgotten how or can’t find the words to say.  So in that spirit, I offer some tips on how to encourage a mom.   Share one with your friends, family, or an acquaintance; say them to someone who needs a lift; or simply say them to yourself.  Often. 

When it comes to effective praise and encouragement, a few simple elements make all the difference:

1)  Notice details.

2)  Appreciate the impact.

3)  Make it stick with evidence. 

Here are a few ideas.  They may be a little fantastical, but wouldn’t it be nice if someone said something like this to you today?

I noticed you delivered multiple children, lunches and backpacks to school, fully dressed and fed with only a few remnants of breakfast on their shirts.  Congratulations!

I noticed you held your composure while your child threw a fit.   I was really impressed that you didn’t give in.   You inspire me.

Wow, I really enjoy listening to a little one’s happy squeals and babbles.  It’s been so long since I’ve been around those baby sounds.  Music to my ears. 

I love that you let your children choose their own clothes.   They learn  how to dress for the weather that way.   That’s much more important than matching socks. 

Hey, I’m glad to see your children eat treats sometimes.  It makes the rest of us feel normal too. 

Oh, I remember those days of struggle.  I can see you’re doing all the right things.  Don’t worry, this season will pass. 

Oh, I’m sorry it’s been a difficult day.  It’s okay for your kids to hear your frustration.  It will help them learn to work through their own problems.   How can I help?

Oh, I’m sorry you feel like you messed up.   Kids are resilient.  Your authenticity and request for forgiveness will make a worthy impression.

Thank you for keeping the house from dissolving into chaos today.  I know you’ve probably picked things up seventeen times already.  It’s a nice to come home to a welcoming place. 

Thanks for loving our children instead of fussing with the house today.  I know you focused on what’s more important.  Would you like a break now?

Thanks for working all day, taking the children to and fro, and figuring out what to feed them.  How can I help tonight?

Find a mom who needs some encouragement today.  She might just be you.  What will you say to her?  Go ahead, do it now.  Just begin with, “I noticed. . . “

photo credit: nathalielaure

She has that look — a shell of the formerly vibrant, social woman clinging to her last rope, reaching for a shred of hope as the overwhelming waves of chaos crash toward her again.  I know it well.  She’s usually in the back row of my parenting presentations, or quietly listening at the moms’ social outing, and she needs someone to tell her things are going to be okay. 

She may be the mother of a colicky baby, a defiant toddler, a learning-challenged fourth grader or a rebellious teen.  She may have wonderful, well-adjusted children but still feel completely overwhelmed by it all.  She also might be a he, of course, who feels like he’s the only one out there forging uncharted territory.  She might get paid to work (or not), but it doesn’t matter.  She loves her child with every ounce of her soul, and she treasures those moments of joy, but she still feels like she can’t pull it together like all the other parents seem to do. 

I know this woman because I have been there.  I am she, and she is we, and we need to do a better job reaching out to that person. 

Parenting is one of life’s most rewarding and toughest challenges, and anyone who says otherwise is not telling the whole story.  Yes, some flow through it more naturally than the rest of us do, but I don’t think it was ever meant to be easy.  Perfect parenting is a myth.  June Cleaver and Carol Brady do not exist in the real world, and the SuperNanny doesn’t even have her own children.  The difficulty isn’t necessarily bad: parenting is a great opportunity to for adults to stretch and learn beyond our imagination, and working through tough challenges is an amazing way to grow.

But I don’t believe we’re meant to face that challenge in a vacuum. We need a friend to hear about our latest episode and offer ideas to face the next one. We need someone to help us see the long view and assure us that we didn’t scar our child for life this morning. We need a frequent reminder that kids are resilient, that our mistakes are forgiven and that next time, we will respond better. We need a friend who pulls us out of that ocean of diapers and tantrums and shines light on the moments we can laugh about and celebrate. We can’t expect all that from one person: we need a community of grace.

So let’s make a pact to skip the judgement, finger pointing and mommy wars. Let’s stop competing over food, child care, schools and activities. Let’s reach out to one another and offer support.

What if we sat next to that woman in the back row and listened to her story? What if we reached out to the parent whose child misbehaves in school? What if we remembered how hard it is to simply get out the door with young children and congratulated that mom for a job well done?

Just for today, let’s stop pretending we have all the answers. Let’s hold back our judgment and encourage one another. It will make a huge difference to that struggling parent. And I bet it will make your day a little brighter too.

It works for me. 

photo credit: Béni Rivière

I continue to be blown away by the awesome power of women. 

I don’t mean the super mom who does everything on her own, but the ordinary person who acts from the heart and pulls others along side her.   It doesn’t matter whether we’re feminist or conservative, career-driven or homemakers, religious or not, women in community have the power to change the world.  I’m inspired and humbled by all of you out there. 

I’m blessed to know a group of women at my church we call WowMoms.   It stands for Women of Wonder/Moments of Mission, but I like to call us wonder women (I know, that’s corny too).  Someone’s kids dubbed us “wild moms,” but we’re not that wild.  We are, however, wonderous.  In community.

We typically meet, eat, chat, laugh, pray, cry, and when time allows, study a good book.  Over the years, we’ve pulled together to help out friends in need.  A few examples:

• A few years ago one of our members–a pillar of our community– burst a brain aneurism that nearly killed her.   The prognosis was dim.  People stepped up to provide meals, put up the family Christmas tree, take shifts at the hospital, and other creative means of support.  This amazing woman pulled through, and today inspires us all as a walking miracle.   But the real miracle was the transformation of our community as we shifted our focus into prayer and service.
• Awhile later another crisis arose.  It’s a really long story, but a three-year-old girl awaited a heart transplant, surviving with an artificial Berlin heart.  At first we didn’t know this family well, but women from our group rallied as best we could–cleaning house, babysitting her toddler twins, decorating her room, and even getting mom out for a party or two.  This child’s hospital ordeal lasted well over a year, and eventually she died–one of the saddest days I can remember.  Despite the tragic ending, this child’s story changed the lives of hundreds of people.  And her mom?  Amazing.  Of course, she’s a WowMom now, putting life back together with support of women who care. 
• Last December, a friend’s house burned down.   They lost everything.  So what do helpful women do?   Oh yes, we went shopping to create a semblance of Christmas for them.  Weeks later, women helped her sift through the remains for the insurance inventory.  And this Christmas, when she missed her cherished family heirlooms, she at least had the ornaments we selected for her tree.   A year later, the little gestures helped her through. 
• And recently, a little boy’s appendix burst, and the troops have deployed with visits, cards, sibling care, mom massage, and filling in where this servant mom shines.  He’s still in the throes of a dangerous recovery, so if you’d like to offer up a prayer for Robin  we’d really appreciate it.

I could wax on about how these women inspire me in little and big ways, not always in crisis.  I’m not the ring leader of this band of sisters; I show up when I can and they always welcome me.   I find an oasis of love and support in a crazy world.  As individuals, we’re flawed, but as group, the community is amazing.   They help me become a better person.

So here’s to Wonder Women:  women who do little things in community to change the world.

I bet you know some of your own wonder women (or men).   Tell me about it. 

And check out more tributes over here:

Yet Another Jay and Deb Production.

I think I learned about the civil rights movement in junior high, and I remember giving a corny “I have a dream” speech for student council.  MLK Junior day was first observed when I was in high school, and it wasn’t officially observed by all 50 states until the year 2000, with some controversy.

Thankfully, my children’s experience is far different.  They attend remarkably diverse public schools where MLK Jr. is lauded as one of America’s greatest heroes.  They learn his story in kindergarten and celebrate his message of peaceful justice and equality every year.  They learn and play with children from an amazing variety of races, ethnicities, and socioeconomic status.   They bump heads and learn to work things out as children, without labels.   It’s not perfect harmony, but it’s a darn good start.  

Occasionally I hear grumblings from parents about the “heavy emphasis” on Dr. King and diversity, which baffles me.  I chose to send my kids to this public school, warts and all.  I believe that if my children develop fond childhood friendships between different cultures, it will be nearly impossible to fear (or hate) that group as a whole, and it may be more possible to connect and make peace with different cultures later in life.   Teaching young childen this message is one of the most important steps toward healing our world.  As adults, we all carry some prejudices and stereotypes to overcome.  Our best hope rests on each next generation. 

Dr. King’s words, exerpted from his August 28, 1963 speech at the Lincoln Memorial in Washington, DC, still resonate loud and clear:

Visit this site to read the full text or watch the 17-minute video.  It’s worth it! 

“. . .And so even though we face the difficulties of today and tomorrow, I still have a dream. It is a dream deeply rooted in the American dream.

I have a dream that one day this nation will rise up and live out the true meaning of its creed: “We hold these truths to be self-evident, that all men are created equal.”

I have a dream that one day on the red hills of Georgia, the sons of former slaves and the sons of former slave owners will be able to sit down together at the table of brotherhood.

I have a dream that one day even the state of Mississippi, a state sweltering with the heat of injustice, sweltering with the heat of oppression, will be transformed into an oasis of freedom and justice.

I have a dream that my four little children will one day live in a nation where they will not be judged by the color of their skin but by the content of their character.

I have a dream today!

I have a dream that one day, down in Alabama, with its vicious racists, with its governor having his lips dripping with the words of “interposition” and “nullification” — one day right there in Alabama little black boys and black girls will be able to join hands with little white boys and white girls as sisters and brothers.

I have a dream today!

I have a dream that one day every valley shall be exalted, and every hill and mountain shall be made low, the rough places will be made plain, and the crooked places will be made straight; “and the glory of the Lord shall be revealed and all flesh shall see it together.”

This is our hope, and this is the faith that I go back to the South with.

With this faith, we will be able to hew out of the mountain of despair a stone of hope. With this faith, we will be able to transform the jangling discords of our nation into a beautiful symphony of brotherhood. With this faith, we will be able to work together, to pray together, to struggle together, to go to jail together, to stand up for freedom together, knowing that we will be free one day.

And this will be the day — this will be the day when all of God’s children will be able to sing with new meaning:

My country ’tis of thee, sweet land of liberty, of thee I sing.

Land where my fathers died, land of the Pilgrim’s pride, from every mountainside, let freedom ring!

And if America is to be a great nation, this must become true.”

 

Forty-five years later, we’ve come a long way, but we still have far to go to respect all children as equals. 

May we keep on keepin’ on toward that dream. 

photo credit: DrewMyers

On faith was the very first post I wrote for this site, but few of you were around to read it.  I thought I’d run it again.  Let me know what you think. 

Intrigued?  Some thoughtful women have started If Life Is a Highway  as a forum for faith discussion.  Also, Read the Spirit is an amazing resource “for readers who believe that diverse spiritual connections between people of faith build stronger communities.”  Check them out!

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On Faith

Today, a few verses frame my thoughts on faith:

“Now faith is being sure of what we hope for and certain of what we do not see.”  Hebrews 11:1

“Do not judge, and you will not be judged. Do not condemn, and you will not be condemned. Forgive, and you will be forgiven.”  Luke 6:37

Speaking of faith always includes some risk.  Any comment draws up images, stereotypes, or personal history.   You might already be reacting to whatever you think I’m going to say.  Are you rolling your eyes, or leaning in close?  Bracing for a sermon?  Curious?  Relieved?  Thrilled?  Don’t know yet? 

I admit, I’m a bit nervous about including faith as a component of this forum.  I could skip the topic altogether.  But I’m craving an open, intelligent dialogue on faith issues wrapped up in our roles as women (and a few brave men).  I think it all blends together, and can’t be separated from life’s nitty gritty details.  And I’m hoping you might like to join me. 

I consider myself a moderate, passionate, humbled Christian who has a lot to learn.  Depending on the circle, you might think I’m a Bible-thumper, a bleeding heart liberal, or something in between.  The truth is, I don’t feel like I fit a religious stereotype, and I’m guessing many of you feel the same.  Still, my faith is a filter through which I view things, and it carries great meaning for me. 

At the same time, I respect others who view the world through different filters.  And I want to learn more.  I’ve grown tremendously from others whose faith traditions were far different from mine, and I believe the only way to build community is through sharing and understanding. 

I feel compelled to share and learn what has inspired, motivated, and moved people in minor and major ways.  For me, faith matters, and you’ll occasionally read my perspective.  I’ll also be asking for your input.  My hope is that this will be a respectful, welcoming, challenging, and thought-provoking place to discuss such matters. 

My mom’s group is reading a great book that models intimate, sometimes messy, interfaith dialogue: 

The Faith Club:  A Muslim, a Christian, a Jew–Three Women Search for Understanding by Ranya Idliby, Suzanne Oliver, and Priscilla Warner.  I’ll post more about this soon.  ::Revised note: I actually did–an introduction here and a story here.::  Pick it up and we can journey together.

What about you?  What is your perspective on faith?  Want to join in the conversation?

I lead workshops for parents to build communication and relationship skills.  I do this not because I’m a perfect parent (far from it), but because it helps me keep working toward getting better each day.  I also believe discussing ideas in community helps everyone concerned.  For this post, I quickly brainstormed my top ten parenting principles.  Please, look it over, and tell me how it fits with yours.

1. Empathy is everything.  Understanding is the key.  It’s our best hope to diminish power struggles.  If our children don’t think we understand them, or don’t even care to understand them, there’s no basis to build a respectful relationship.  And family is all about relationships. 
2. Consistency counts.  Kids will play the odds just like the slots in a casino.  If there’s a small chance they’ll beat the odds, they’ll keep playing.   If our routines and responses are predictable, they’ll adjust their behavior to meet those routines. 
3. Some limits are required.  Our children look to us for direction and guidance.  They test our limits to understand the world.  We provide structure and security in their chaotic lives.  Our limits can be moveable, flexible, and reasonable, but they must provide some guidance. 
4. Effective encouragement works wonders.  It sounds obvious, but I’ve learned this the hard way.   Most of us were raised that more praise = more confidence.  Not necessarily.  Effective feedback builds confidence through evidence and appreciation.  I might have to do another post on this one–it’s proven very powerful for me and my kids!
5. Grace is available to all.  Children make mistakes.  Parents make mistakes.  It’s a far greater lesson to admit a mistake, forgive it, and learn from it than to hide or deny it.  We need to model this for ourselves, our partners and our children. 
6. Accountability is learned through consequences.  To be responsible citizens of the world, children need to understand the consequences of their actions.  As parents, we help make those consequences more clear to our children.  Letting reasonable, related consequences teach—rather than laying on the lecture—is powerful.  They don’t need to be severe or painful, but just teach a lesson.  Positive consequences teach too.   
7. Optimism breeds optimism (and happiness).   Positive thinking and finding opportunities in every challenge make for a happier person, whether you call it optimism, the attraction principle, positive thinking, hope or faith.  We need to teach our kids the essential skill of authentic, positive thinking. 
8. Love ‘em no matter what.  No matter what.  It goes with grace.  Some days are harder than others, and we set limits and implement consequences, but we love ‘em no matter what.  And in order for that to happen. . .
9. Every parent needs relief.      Every.   One.     Whether single or married, paid or unpaid, parenting is a joyful, rewarding, relentless, twenty-four hour, seven days a week job with out a vacation or sick days.  Every parent needs a safety net and relief on a regular basis.  No judgment.  Just relief.  And in order for that to happen. . .
10. We need each other.   To quote a cliche, it takes a village.  No parent (or doctor, or therapist) has all the answers.  We parent better in community.  We need to stop judging one another and start supporting. 

So let’s get started!   Did I hit upon your top ten?  Or How would your list be different from mine?

Visit Rocks in My Dryer for other great Works for Me ideas.

Today I joined the throngs of people flocking to health clubs to get back in shape this week.  I shouldn’t have been surprised by the suddenly packed parking lot and the crowded fitness center at my YMCA:  in January alone, over one million Americans join health clubs each year.  And sadly, up to 75% of those quit their goals within the first three months. 

But today,  the place was teeming with people prepared to sweat off their holiday indulgences (cookies, anyone?).  I found an empty bike, adjusted my settings and hopped on, ready to tackle the imaginary trail ahead.  Twenty-plus wheels cranked, spinned, climbed and coasted up and down the virtual hills and valleys.  Twenty-plus bodies synchronized with the pounding music and our instructor’s commands.  Twenty-plus souls pushed, pulled, cycled and sweated to gain some strength and burn a boatload of calories in our quest for fitness.   We felt proud.  We felt strong.  We felt high on the endorphins.  Okay, we were gasping for air, trying not to throw up and about to feel exhausted, but not just yet.

At that moment, we were full of hope.  Full of optimism.  Full of energy.

Can you imagine how much hope, optimism and energy fills America’s health clubs in the month of January every year?  One million new souls, believing that this year we will really get back in shape, conquer those demons, and get on with a healthier lifestyle.  It’s a valliant effort, even it costs us over $18 billion per year, and it might be short lived.  I’m part of it, in my own sporadic way. 

But I can’t help thinking about all of these people who come out of hiding this week.  What if we could capture all that new energy?  What if we could harness it and channel it to last the whole year through?  What if one million people used all of that energy and optimism to promote a different kind of health–not just body-sculpting–but a community-building kind of health?   

What if, instead of just working out, a million newly energized, motivated people could instead work together to:

• feed someone. . . toward stamping out hunger
• tutor a child. . . toward improved literacy
• give to a charity. . . toward ending poverty
• visit a church (or temple, or mosque, or someone who needs a friend) . . . toward a better community

What if. . . ? 

Imagine the possibilities.  

Where would you channel these one million energetic, hopeful people?

I do have countless blessings for which to be thankful.  I’m thrilled with the hope our new president brings, even if the challenges are tough.  I have friends, family, faith, and stable finances.  If you look from the outside, my life is wonderful.  I should be exceedingly grateful.   My life is good.

But the truth is, I don’t always act so appreciative.  Sure, if you ask me, I’ll tell you how much I appreciate my life.  But do I show it with my actions, my words, and my deeds?  Do I really feel it in my heart?   At any given moment, you might catch me demanding even more from members of my family.  You might find me longing to buy that new thing, service or getaway that would just make life a little easier.   You might find me wishing I had accomplished more that day or week.   I find it hard to be content with all the blessings I’ve been given.  I want more stuff, more help, more appreciation, more accomplishment.

With Thanksgiving right around the corner, I feel the need to cultivate gratitude for my many blessings.  Ann from Holy Experience hosts a space for a gratitude community.  The challenge is to write down One Thousand Gifts–not gifts that we want, but gifts that we have.  So I bought a little spiral notebook, and I’m writing down things I appreciate, big or small, one at a time.  I leave the notebook on the coffee table and invite my family to add to the list.   We have 41 so far, and we have a long way to go.  But that’s the point.  It’s an ongoing exercise–a habit to cultivate. 

This isn’t just a spiritual/religious exercise.  Research shows deliberately fostering gratitude through journaling makes an extraordinary difference in people’s lives.  While I’ve always been intimidated by daily journals (ironic for a new blogger, yes?), somehow I think this one is doable.  I don’t know how long it will take.  I’m trying not to set any major hurdles or deadlines.  I want this to be a guiltless, joyful experience.   Through this, I’m hoping to bring more gratitude into my attitude. 

What about you?  Would you like to join me in cultivating gratitude?   Just grab a scrap of paper and begin.  And keep me posted.   I’d be grateful!

NPR’s Jon Hamilton sums it up like this:

“Multitasking causes a kind of brownout in the brain. Meyer says all the lights go dim because there just isn’t enough power to go around.”

Yikes!

I don’t like hearing this.  Even if I kind of knew it was true. 

I like multitasking.  I like to consider myself a multitasking master.    I take pride in the fact that I can write this post while listening to music, brewing my coffee, getting my kids ready for school, eating breakfast, checking my email, reviewing today’s news, running the laundry, and even saying a quick prayer here and there. . . just like many of you. 

I don’t think I could get through the day without multitasking.  It’s necessary.  It makes me feel powerful.  Useful.  Creative.  Smart.  Efficient. 

Right? 

Maybe. . . not so much.   Science shows it isn’t really possible to focus our brains on mutliple things at once and do them all well. 

Especially when a ball drops, and everything comes tumbling down.  

Last week I had a few of those moments.  I was trying to keep multiple family demands, work assignments, and volunteer commitments afloat.  I should have let something go or asked for help so I could focus on the most important ones.  But instead, my pride took over, and balls started dropping.  It wasn’t a huge avalanche, but I realized things were not fully under my control.  

Kind of like a brownout.  A warning.  If I keep overloading the circuits, a major outage may be imminent. 

 I believe these warnings serve a purpose.  No matter how skillfully I multitask , there are times when I need a little help.  A flicker of the lights to make me slow down, connect, and rely on others.  I ease back into community, where humans rely on one another.  And perhaps I clear a channel for those prayers to be really voiced and heard. 

What about you?    Have you had a brownout lately?  What helps you focus on what matters?

1. Empathy is everything.  Understanding is the key to an intimate relationship.  It’s our best hope to diminish, or at least survive, power struggles.  If our children don’t think we understand them, or don’t even care to understand them, there’s no basis to build a respectful relationship.  And family is all about relationships. 
2. Consistency counts.  Kids will play the odds just like people feeding the slots in a casino.  Even if there’s a small chance they’ll beat the odds, they’ll keep playing.   If our routines and responses are predictable, they’ll adjust their behavior to meet those routines. 
3. Some limits are required.  Our children look to us for direction and guidance.  They test our limits to understand the world around them.  We provide structure and security in their chaotic lives.  Our limits can be moveable, flexible, and reasonable, but they must provide some guidance. 
4. Effective encouragement works wonders.  It sounds obvious, but I’ve learned this the hard way.   Most of us were raised that more praise = more confidence.  Not necessarily so.  Effective feedback builds confidence, and there are specific ways to do it wisely, through evidence and appreciation.  I might have to do another post on this one–it’s proven very powerful for me and my kids!
5. Grace is available to all.  Mistakes must be allowed in a family.  Children make mistakes.  Parents make mistakes.  It’s a far greater lesson to admit a mistake, forgive it, and learn from it than to hide or deny it.  We need to model this for ourselves, our partners and our children. 
6. Accountability is learned through consequences.  If we want our children to be responsible citizens of the world, they need to understand the consequences of their actions.  As parents, we help make those consequences more clear to our children.  Letting reasonable, related consequences teach—rather than laying on the lecture—is powerful.  They don’t need to be severe or painful, but just teach a lesson.  In fact, positive consequences teach too.   
7. Optimism breeds optimism (and happiness).   Whether you call it optimism, the attraction principle, positive thinking, hope or faith, it’s essential.  Bottom line, positive thinking and finding opportunities in every challenge make for a happier person.  We need to teach our kids the skill of authentic, positive thinking.  Who wouldn’t want to raise a happier child?
8. Love ‘em no matter what.  No matter what.  It goes with grace.  Some days are harder than others, and we set limits and implement consequences, but we love ‘em no matter what.  And in order for that to happen. . .
9. Every parent needs relief.  Every one–single or married, paid or unpaid.  Parenting is a joyful, rewarding, relentless, twenty-four hour, seven days a week job with out a vacation or sick days.  Every parent needs a safety net and relief on a regular basis.  No judgment.  Just relief.  And in order for that to happen. . .
10. We need each other.   To quote a cliche, it takes a village.  No parent (or doctor, or therapist) has all the answers.  We parent better in community.  We need to stop judging one another and start supporting. 

So let’s get started!   Did I hit upon your top ten?  Or How would your list be different from mine?