“I can’t do it.”

“I’m no good at this.” 

“No one wants to play with me.”

or from yourself:

“I’m not one of those big-time bloggers.”

or

“I haven’t written a real book.”

So often we parents argue, countering, “Yes, you can!”, generating a back-and-forth argument, and causing our partner (adversary?) to dig in her heels.  The “I can’t” person gets defensive, adding strength to the argument just to convince the other person she’s right.  It doesn’t seem to help at all, does it?  In fact, we sometimes end up more convinced the original statement is right — or perhaps understated — and further from encouragement. 

Instead, empathize and just add the magic word:

“You can’t do it. . . . YET.”

“Okay, you’re not good at this. . . YET.”

“Today, no one can play with you . . . YET.”

And tell yourself:

“I’m not one of those big-time bloggers. . . YET.”

“I haven’t written a real book. . . YET.”

See the difference?  Three little letters validate the sentiment, open up the conversation, shift emphasis toward the goal, and create a sense of possibility. 

I’m trying to work it in more often.  I’m not quite there yet.  But I can feel it coming.

Visit We are THAT Family  for more Works for Me Wednesday ideas.

photo credit: nyki_mi

adapted from the archives

Now that fall is approaching full swing, are you having conversations like this?

How was your day? fine.

What happened at school (or work)? not much.

Wanna talk about it? not really.

It seems like no matter how hard I try, those questions never seem to elicit much information, especially as my kids grow older.  A wise school counselor once suggested phrasing the question differently to draw out more of a response.  Just begin with “I wonder. . .” and ask about a more specific scenario: 

I wonder. . . who you sat with at lunch today?

I wonder. . . how things went in math class?

I wonder. . . what kids do before the first bell rings?

Somehow, when I phrase my questions this way, my kids want to fill in the blanks for poor, clueless, curious mom.  They begin to open up and I actually learn something about their world away from home.   We have a real, back and forth, give and take conversation.  Amazing.

Try it today! I wonder how it will work in your family?

For more great Works for Me Wednesday ideas, go to We are THAT Family.

SteadyMom inspired me with her post on do-overs: 

Let’s try that again.

How much do I love this powerful phrase?  Let me count the ways:

1. “Let’s try that again” models grace with accountability.  It corrects with a focus on what can be done better, not what was done wrong. 
2. It’s friendly and positive.  It requires no raised voices, consequences or punishments.  Just a do-over.
3. It invokes cooperation and support. 
4. It works for toddlers, children, teenagers and adults. 
5. It works for minor and major transgressions.
6. It works for parents too.

So next time things don’t quite go as planned, look for opportunities to say, “Let’s try that again.” 

Works for me.  And just like the song says, grace will lead you home.

For more great ideas, check out We are THAT family.

photo credit: Merry~Blues

It stuck with me all week — the complexity, the nuances, and the strange ways I could relate to the story. 

We finally watched Rachel Getting Married on DVD.  It’s a strange, edgy, wobbly-camera style movie about a girl coming home from rehab for her sister’s wedding.  I found it painfully realistic and fantastically unrealistic at the same time.  This film has something for every family:  sibling competition, racial and cultural diversity, divorce, blended families, the tangled web of addiction and enabling, loss of a child, prodigal (and “good”) daughter, and communication gone amok.   The end is better than the middle, but it’s not a Hollywood happy ending. 

Sounds fun, huh? 

It’s not for everyone.    But it somehow struck a nerve with me, mostly because a few issues hit close to home.  While this story is a little extreme, I do think just about every family I know could relate to some element.  If we’re honest, I think every family has a little dysfunction, because we’re human.  And humans are flawed.  Big time. 

What struck me about this film was the compassion they brought out for every character.  I could understand Rachel’s desire to have her wedding unblemished, but I also felt Kym’s need to confront and be recognized.  I felt for the father who just wanted to fix everyone with a sandwich, and I even understood why the distant mom just wanted to run away.  The brilliant directors of this tale brought out the vulnerability of each character, which brought me discomfort . . . but also compassion and understanding.  

This week, I’ve been wondering how I might find more of that compassion and understanding for the people around me.  Especially in extended families, it’s hard to put yourself in the other person’s shoes.   With so much history, it’s really challenging to shift away from self and understand the other person’s perspective.  Younger siblings may not consider the pressures on an older one.  Adult children keep acting like children of their parents.  And some of us need to work on understanding the other’s world — which begins with compassion.

It seems like compassion for children, or even strangers (or characters on a movie screen), comes more naturally.  Somehow it’s harder with the ones we love the most.  I want to work on that.

Do you need to be more compassionate to someone?  What helps you get there?

“Get dressed. . . you’ve got to eat breakfast. . .brush your hair. . . do you have your homework? . . . don’t forget your lunch. . . did you brush your teeth?. . .it’s really cold out there, make sure you wear your gloves. . . “

Now, don’t you think, after hearing this tape several hundred days a year, our children (or spouses?) would know what to do in the morning without our constant reminders?  Maybe not.  If we constantly remind them, there’s no need to remember on their own.  And whose fault is it when they get to school without lunch?  Ours, of course.  We didn’t remind them. 

There’s a simple solution:  Check Yourself

It works like this:

1. Set expectations
2. Provide a system for success
3. Say, “check yourself” and hold your tongue
4. Let the consequences do the teaching
5. Enjoy your coffee

This works wonders for kids of all ages.  When my kids were 4, 6, and 9, we created a simple checklist for morning, after school, and bedtime routines.   We talked about how this would make those parts of the day easier for me and for them.   I posted it on the door, and when morning came, I would just say, “check yourself” or “check the list.”  It took a bit of time to adjust, but soon they learned to take on responsibility for the routine.

The critical piece is this:  If they forget something on the list, we have to let the consequence happen.  So if he forgets his homework, the response is, “Bummer.  What are you going to do about that?”  Definitely empathize, but without “shoulds” and “I told you sos”.  We need to let the child be frustrated with his forgetfulness, not our blaming.  If we decide to rescue him (which I’ll admit I typically do once), be fully aware that it delays the lesson.  Chick Moorman puts it like this:

1. Rescue once? you’re a nice mom
2. Rescue twice? it becomes an expectation
3. Rescue three times?  Congratulations.  You have a new job. 

I hope to teach my children to self-monitor and take on little responsibilities, so they become responsible adult citizens of the world.  Also, I’m lazy and don’t want to do all the work around here.    

Do we still have chaotic, crazy mornings?  Of course we do.  I mess this up a lot.  But when I’m using this strategy, it works for me.  I hope it works for you too.

photo credit: bookgrl

Here’s something to consider.   Even amidst the craziness, this is actually a great time to teach our children about democracy.   Most kids are already receiving political messages from the media, their friends, possibly school and other influences.  How do we explain our point of view and still help them shape their own opinions?

Chick Moorman and Thomas Haller have written an excellent article to help us navigate:  Talking Politics with your Children.  They suggest sharing many sides, asking good questions, and taking them with you to the polls.  Take a look and see what works for you!

On another note, my earlier election-related post got published at Blogger’s Annex.   How exciting! 

Check out Rocks in My Dryer for other Works for Me Wednesday ideas.

photo credit: ·júbilo·haku·

How was your day?   fine.

What happened at school?  not much.

Wanna talk about it?  not really.

It seems like no matter how hard I try, those questions never seem to get much information.  A wise school counselor once suggested I use different words to ask the same question.  

Just begin with “I wonder. . .” and get a little more specific:

I wonder. . .  who you sat with at lunch today?

I wonder. . . how things went in math class?

I wonder. . . what kids do before the first bell rings? 

Somehow, when I phrase my questions this way, my kids want to fill in the blanks for poor, clueless mom.   And I get more information.  Amazing.

Try it today!  I wonder how it will work in your family? 

For more great Works for Me Wednesday ideas, go to Rocks in My Dryer.