SAW A BUG???  Call (not-to-be-named Exterminator)!

Think of the message this sends.  If I see a tiny bug, I should immediately freak out and call in the troops?  Even if it’s just a fly?  What if it’s a ladybug?  Have we gone so far that the sight of any bug should lead us to fog our house with pesticides, never mind the other risks of infusing this insect-killing chemical in our home?

Now let me be clear:  I’m no big fan of most bugs, and I’m not afraid to swat my shoe or pick up a can of Raid when the situation arises.  I did grow up in the New Mexico desert where tarantulas and scorpions visited upon occasion, and I did not enjoy it.  But I don’t want to overreact to every bug that flits by.  More importantly, I don’t want to teach my suburban kids to freak out at the sight of a benign bug.  That’s just silly.   They were here first, after all, and some bugs are meaner than others.  That’s my expert opinion on the biological technicalities.  For more information, check out Be Nice to Spiders, one of my favorite childhood books. 

Awhile ago, I witnessed a beautiful reaction to a bug “invasion” by my daughter’s second grade teacher.  A small, nondescript bug–it might have even been a spider–lighted on the shoulder of an oblivious student.  The other children began noticing and getting agitated.  When Mrs. K realized what was happening, she immediately stopped the class and said,

“Oh my goodness!   Look at this. . . you are so fortunate!   What an honor that he chose to land on you. . . let me just help you . . .” as she swept up the offending vermin with her bare hand, showed it to the children, pointed out its bug anatomy, walked to the door and gently released it outside. 

The children stopped in their tracks, instantly shifting from fear to fascination.  The targeted child never flinched and seemed privileged to be in the spotlight, rather than embarrassed.  They carefully observed the insect (or arachnid, I can’t quite remember) and actually learned something about it.  And they learned a critical lesson:  you don’t have to go into hysterics just because something unexpected happens. 

Insead of whipping up more fear, Mrs. K transformed the situation into an honor.  A great opportunity.  I’m so glad I was present for the lesson. 

photo credit: Claus Rebler

Now that fall is approaching full swing, are you having conversations like this?

How was your day? fine.

What happened at school (or work)? not much.

Wanna talk about it? not really.

It seems like no matter how hard I try, those questions never seem to elicit much information, especially as my kids grow older.  A wise school counselor once suggested phrasing the question differently to draw out more of a response.  Just begin with “I wonder. . .” and ask about a more specific scenario: 

I wonder. . . who you sat with at lunch today?

I wonder. . . how things went in math class?

I wonder. . . what kids do before the first bell rings?

Somehow, when I phrase my questions this way, my kids want to fill in the blanks for poor, clueless, curious mom.  They begin to open up and I actually learn something about their world away from home.   We have a real, back and forth, give and take conversation.  Amazing.

Try it today! I wonder how it will work in your family?

For more great Works for Me Wednesday ideas, go to We are THAT Family.

Do you ever get stuck in that rut where all of your parenting tricks feel stale, and you feel like you’re talking in the same circles?  I feel that way more often than I care to admit.  No one has all the answers, but sometimes asking the right questions gets us back where we need to be.

These ten questions to re-frame parenting issues by Chick Moorman and Thomas Haller always stop me in my tracks and help me change my approach.  Feel free to adapt for your student/spouse/partner/friend as you see fit. 

Next time you’re frustrated with your child’s behavior, try asking yourself: 

1. What if you saw your child as wounded or confused instead of wrong?

2. What if you saw the mistakes your child makes today as a learning opportunity?

3. What if you saw the behavior your child is exhibiting as age appropriate?

4. What if you saw your child today as unfinished and simply on the road to becoming who he or she is going to become?

5. What if you saw your child’s behavior as a cry for help?

6. What if you saw your child today as a child of God?

7. What if you saw your child as a teacher who is offering you a lesson?

8. What if you saw your child’s behavior as perfect for helping him learn what he needs to learn right now?

9. What if you saw your child for who she is rather than who you want her to be?

10. What if you saw your child as being in the right place, at the right time, doing the right thing, right now?

If we’re struggling to find the answers. . . have we asked the right questions?

Soak up more of Thomas and Chick’s wisdom at Uncommon Parenting and check out more “works for me” ideas at We are THAT Family.   If you’re curious about my parent coaching business, please visit Practical Parenting Workshops.

**A version of this post was run in spring 2009.  I’m recovering from a lovely trip to Chicago and will share fresh news with you soon!**

photo credit: kortini

SteadyMom inspired me with her post on do-overs: 

Let’s try that again.

How much do I love this powerful phrase?  Let me count the ways:

1. “Let’s try that again” models grace with accountability.  It corrects with a focus on what can be done better, not what was done wrong. 
2. It’s friendly and positive.  It requires no raised voices, consequences or punishments.  Just a do-over.
3. It invokes cooperation and support. 
4. It works for toddlers, children, teenagers and adults. 
5. It works for minor and major transgressions.
6. It works for parents too.

So next time things don’t quite go as planned, look for opportunities to say, “Let’s try that again.” 

Works for me.  And just like the song says, grace will lead you home.

For more great ideas, check out We are THAT family.

photo credit: Merry~Blues

“I can’t do it.”

“I’m no good at this.” 

“No one wants to play with me.”

or from yourself:

“I’m not one of those big-time bloggers.”

or

“I haven’t written a real book.”

So often we argue, countering, “Yes, you can!”, generating a back-and-forth argument, and causing our opponent to dig in heels.  To strenghten our case, we defend our statement just to convince the other person we’re speaking the truth.  We end up more convinced the original statement is right — or perhaps understated — and the other person is wrong. 

Instead, just add the magic word:

“You can’t do it. . . . YET.”

“Okay, you’re not good at this. . . YET.”

“Today, no one can play with you . . . YET.”

And tell yourself:

“I’m not one of those big-time bloggers. . . YET.”

“I haven’t written a real book. . . YET.”

See the difference?  Three little letters validate the sentiment, open up the conversation, shift emphasis toward the goal, and create a sense of possibility. 

I’m trying to work it in more often.  I’m not quite there yet.  But I can feel it coming.

Visit We are THAT Family  for more Works for Me Wednesday ideas.

photo credit: nyki_m

Quick detour:  No, we don’t keep every paper my kids bring home!  I ask my kids to make three piles:  1)  really important stuff that must be kept  2)  nice stuff to examine but pitch afterwards 3)  junk that can be recycled right away.   They practice good judgment skills through this process and become surprisingly skilled at sorting.  We work through the piles, ask a few questions and recycle without guilt.  If the ‘really important’ pile is too big, that’s fine, but I might check again in a week or so. 

Anyway, I came across a spiral writing notebook in which my daughter had exchanged letters with her teacher.  They had developed a lovely correspondence and learned a lot about one another.  I was almost jealous of the mature give-and-take relationship they had, more like a friendship.  What a concept! 

It occurred to me that much of our daily dialogue revolves around giving orders direction, tons of negotiating (which exhausts me), the daily snuggle and much-too-rare intimate conversation.  There isn’t as much “what do you think of this?” dialogue as I would like to admit. 

So I decided to write my daughter a letter.   I proposed that we extend the journal through the summer.

She loves it.  In the journal she has my full attention and gets to talk about issues important to her (such as whether eels are slimy or not — who knew?).   We get to ask each other questions and take time to respond thoughtfully.  There’s no putting off incessant banter until later.  It’s an equal give and take, in our own quiet time. 

And the added bonus:  writing (or drawing) practice — in the summer!  It works for me. 

Doing this, I remembered my own mother going on a teacher exchange to England for three whole weeks when I was in junior high.  I’d never been away from her that long, and decided to journal all of the important things I didn’t want to forget to discuss with her.  Writing to a real person helped me keep it going, and I still treasure how it built the friendship between us.  Maybe this little exercise will help maintain the mother/daughter bonds for those fragile adolescent times to come.

Check out We are THAT family for more great ideas.

photo credit: eeekays photography

Check Yourself!

How’s your morning routine going? Do you hear some variation of this tape running every day:

“Get dressed. . . you’ve got to eat breakfast. . .brush your hair. . . do you have your homework swimming gear? . . . don’t forget your lunch. . . did you brush your teeth?. . .it’s really cold hot out there, make sure you wear your gloves put on sunscreen. . . “

Now, don’t you think, after hearing this tape several hundred days a year, our children (or spouses?) would know what to do in the morning without our constant reminders?  Maybe not.  If we constantly remind them, there’s no need to remember on their own.  And whose fault is it when they get to school without lunch?  Ours, of course.  We didn’t remind them. 

There’s a simple solution:  Check Yourself

It works like this:

1. Set expectations
2. Provide a system for success
3. Say, “check yourself” and hold your tongue
4. Let the consequences do the teaching
5. Enjoy your coffee

This works wonders for kids of all ages.  When my kids were 4, 6, and 9, we created a simple checklist for morning, after school, and bedtime routines.   We talked about how this would make those parts of the day easier for me and for them.   I posted it on the door, and when morning came, I would just say, “check yourself” or “check the list.”  It took a bit of time to adjust, but soon they learned to take on responsibility for the routine.

The critical piece is this:  If they forget something on the list, we have to let the consequence happen.  So if he forgets his homework, the response is, “Bummer.  What are you going to do about that?”  Definitely empathize, but without “shoulds” and “I told you sos”.  We need to let the child be frustrated with his forgetfulness, not our blaming.  If we decide to rescue him (which I’ll admit I typically do once), be fully aware that it delays the lesson.  Chick Moorman puts it like this:

1. Rescue once? you’re a nice mom
2. Rescue twice? it becomes an expectation
3. Rescue three times?  Congratulations.  You have a new job. 

I hope to teach my children to self-monitor and take on little responsibilities, so they become responsible adult citizens of the world.  Also, I’m lazy and don’t want to do all the work around here.    

Do we still have chaotic, crazy mornings?  Of course we do.  I mess this up a lot.  But when I’m using this strategy, it works for me.  I hope it works for you too.

photo credit: bookgrl

Have you ever insisted your child say how sorry he is?  Does he glare at you with a pouty lip, look at the floor, and spit out “SORRry” in that resentful tone?  Or better yet, does she flip her hair, roll her eyes, and play her best imitation of the latest pre-teen star?  Surely you know what I mean—I’ve watched my kids do this, I’ve been the recipient of it, and it isn’t very satisfying.  

Have you ever wondered why coerced apologies don’t work so well? 

Forcing your child to “say sorry” has good intentions, but if it isn’t heartfelt, it sends a very mixed message: “You should feel this way.  Push down all your real feelings and pretend they don’t exist.”   Sometimes it gives kids an easy excuse.  Just say, “I’m SORRry,” and somehow they get off the hook.  Even the children aren’t satisfied.  One resents the other, and the problem isn’t really solved.  There must be more to this.   

So how do we guide our children through conflicts while still teaching responsible, caring behavior?

We need to model authentic behavior.  If a child is not sorry, help communicate feelings:  “tell him you’re angry because. . . .“ or “tell her you’re frustrated with. . . “    Help children learn from their mistakes.   Ask, “what did you learn from this?” and “what are you going to do differently next time?”  

This is enough.  Children do not have to feel severe pain or self-criticism to learn from mistakes.  The “I learned. . .and next time. . . “ pattern provides the opportunity to learn and make a positive behavior change. 

If a child is sorry, certainly encourage him or her to say so.  This can be a cleansing release.  When the apology comes freely from the heart, you have a chance to model forgiveness.  Enjoy it.  Immerse your child in hugs, love and grace.

 
Finally, remember to ask forgiveness for your own mistakes, and make sure your kids witness you doing so.    Pray that someday, your child will learn to also ask for forgiveness without any coercion whatsoever. 

This was originally posted in December 2008, based on “Say You’re Sorry” from Parent Talk by Chick Moorman.  Check out more great “works for me” ideas at We are THAT Family.

Ever since I quit my full time job (when child #3 was born), I’ve had trouble answering that common question:

What do you do?

For an embarassingly long time I would answer some variation of “I’m a stay home mom, but I used to do something important. . . ” (well, not exactly that, but it crossed my mind).  Yes, I know being a full time mother is important — that’s why I made the choice to become one — but I felt like there was so much more to me than the stereotype of “stay home mom.”  Besides that, I hardly ever was at home. 

I’m still a (hardly ever) stay home mom, but I also teach parent workshops, I tutor, I spend lots of time writing (even if it’s online, not on paper), I volunteer here and there, and I am interested in all kinds of things.  I’m not comfortable picking one label that defines me.  I’m multifaceted.  Aren’t we all?

Caryn Dahlstrand Rivadeneira offers a great solution in Mama’s Got a Fake ID:  How to Reveal the Real You Behind All that Mom:

I’m a mom and _____________.

She suggests we think of one thing we’d like people to know about us and pair it with the awesome job of being a mom.  Some examples:

• I’m a mom and a gardener.
• I’m a mom and a lawyer.
• I’m a mom and a preschool volunteer.
• I’m a mom and a runner.

Or, go with active verbs and say:

• I raise kids and raise horses (dogs?  gerbils?).
• I write, volunteer at school and take care of my family. 
• I drive around in circles enriching my children (okay, maybe not impressive, but accurate!)

Somehow the active method is easier for me.  I don’t have to wonder, “Is it okay to call myself a writer?” when I’m perfectly comfortable saying that I write, because I do.  I guess that does make me a writer, but that’s another conversation. 

The mom and ____ phrasing serves as a conversation opener.  It connects being a mom with other passions and important parts of me.  It also provides a more accurate, natural and broader picture what a mom does and who I am.  So here’s the line I might use next time I get that question:

I take care of my family and write about my adventures. 

And help parents communicate better.  And tutor for the ACT.  And volunteer.  And run around in circles, sometimes.   Okay, I’ve got some focusing work to do!

How do you answer that dreaded question:  What do you do? 

Please check out Magpie Girl’s inspiring article on this same subject:  Speaking with Authority, and find other helpful “works for me” tips at We Are THAT Family. 

Read more of my reflections on the Mama’s ID book here.

photo credit: Sarahnaut

photo credit: Exolucere

These ten questions to re-frame parenting issues always stop me in my tracks and change my approach.  Thomas and I closed Saturday’s parent workshop with this list by Chick Moorman and Thomas Haller.   Feel free to alter for your student/spouse/partner/friend as you see fit:

1.                  What if you saw your child as wounded or confused instead of wrong?

2.                  What if you saw the mistakes your child makes today as a learning opportunity?

3.                  What if you saw the behavior your child is exhibiting as age appropriate?

4.                  What if you saw your child today as unfinished and simply on the road to becoming who he or she is going to become?

5.                  What if you saw your child’s behavior as a cry for help?

6.                  What if you saw your child today as a child of God?

7.                  What if you saw your child as a teacher who is offering you a lesson?

8.                What if you saw your child’s behavior as perfect for helping him learn what he needs to learn right now?

9.                What if you saw your child for who she is rather than who you want her to be?

10.              What if you saw your child as being in the right place, at the right time, doing the right thing, right now?

If we’re having trouble finding the answers. . . have we asked the right questions? 

Soak up more of Thomas and Chick’s wisdom at Uncommon Parenting.  If you’re curious about my parent coaching business, please visit Practical Parenting Workshops.

Make it a great week!