Most of the kids I work with already have a wealth of resources at their disposal.   Some attend expensive private schools, enjoy the support of dedicated guidance counselors, and hire a cadre of private tutors to make sure they excel.  Others go to regular public schools and invest in a test prep course to make the best of their chances. 

Sometimes I feel guilty for helping kids with plenty while others don’t have that advantage.  It isn’t fair.  But the kids I work with have the same confidence issues and test anxiety as any other teen, and it really feels good to help them do their best.  I feel all mixed up about that. 

A couple of months ago I had an opportunity to tutor a couple of students from inner city Detroit.  As you may know, the Detroit Public Schools are in desperate straits after decades of financial corruption .  The problems in that city are huge, and thousands of children are caught in the crossfire of politics, poverty, racism and so many things outside their control.   

But in this case, a handful of caring adults found some motivated high school students and took them under their wings.  They channeled their passions into advocacy and service.  Within this group, they identified kids with promise and committed to helping them get into a great college.  That’s where I entered the picture.

Two kids I tutored, D and B, seem just like any high schoolers you might meet.  They’re fashionable and funny.  They’re also respectful, highly motivated, and engaged in their community.  They do many projects helping underpriviledged kids and hungry folks in Detroit. 

I noticed that D and B had their own hurdles that most kids I know don’t face.  They rode public buses or hitched rides to our meeting location–no parents drove them.  They didn’t have easy internet access, so they borrowed the computer at the office where we met.  They couldn’t afford the expensive graphing calculator  most high schoolers use, so they passed one around for homework and tests.   These little things required time, planning and energy that most of us take for granted.  I was pleased to meet some kids in Detroit who overcame these hurdles and showed leadership potential. 

Then I learned more about their stories.

B’s father died suddenly in the middle of her junior year.  Her family relocated, and she had trouble getting to school, due to both transportation logistics and difficulty coping with her father’s death.  Her grades plummeted, but an inspiring summer school teacher sparked her interest in school again.   In short order, she turned her grades around and hopes to make it into a good university.

D has lived in poverty his entire life.  He admires his mother who attends school and works temporary jobs to support her family.  Last January they hit hard times, and his lights and gas were shut off for three weeks.  He coped with the bitter cold by wearing extra layers of clothing and doing homework by candlelight.  D wants a good education so he can break his own cycle of poverty.  He describes school as his escape, salvation and source of self-esteem.

I keep wrestling with a couple of things:  1)  the stark contrast between D and B’s experiences and the advantages my family enjoys; and 2) the striking similarities between these charming teens and the others I know. 

We’re all subject to the same tests, but the playing field is not level. 

Life isn’t fair, that’s for sure.   For now, I just hope my roundabout path through the wealthier suburbs might give D and B a boost that makes a difference. 

photo credit: e-magic

“Mom, I just can’t stand to be in the same room with them anymore,”  she said, with tears welling up in her eyes.  “No one understands how bad they make me feel.” 

I felt the puddles well up in mine too.  The constant banter of put-downs slung between siblings over the long holiday was taking its toll.  My daughter was playing the victim in this case, but I knew it wasn’t a one-way street:  I’d witnessed plenty of antagonizing behavior from all three corners of this tumultuous triangle. 

I know sibling rivalry is a natural thing, and I do believe people can’t live together without some frustrations and annoyances.  With two middle schoolers clamoring for status, and a third grader trying to keep up, sarcasm and insults have invaded our home.  They’re tough pests to eradicate.  I want my kids to develop lasting relationships that will carry into adulthood, so I try to help them work out their differences with respect. 

Lately, though, I had fallen into the easier habit of scolding the offender when I caught wind of it:  “We don’t talk to each other that way in this family,” or “If I hear one more put down, you’re losing a privilege.”   The problem was, one child tended to be the target of the scolding.  Although he was typically saying the most outrageous things, I wasn’t catching the stealthy jabs of one or the incessant attention-seeking of the other.  The oft-scolded child was feeling resentful, the youngest was encouraged to tattle, and it simply wasn’t getting any better.   

It was time for an intervention.

I called them together and asked her to tell her brother what she shared with me.  As she began, the defenses shot up:  “That’s not what I said!  She constantly accuses me . . . ” So I had him explain his point of view, and his sister eventually admitted her role in the battle.  I asked them how they really felt when they picked on each other like this.  “It’s not getting us anywhere,”  one finally said.

Exactly. 

To shift direction, I asked them to write down ten things they appreciated about one another.  “Real things about the person,” I urged, “not ‘I like your shirt’ or something shallow.”   Typically, my kids sulk away with such an assignment but come up with pretty good comments when they’re left alone to write. 

To my surprise, middle son started talking aloud.  “I really like playing games with you when we’re not angry,” he said.  “I kind of like it when you act crazy,” she responded.  “I like seeing you laugh,” he added, “and I like it when you make me laugh.”    They went on for awhile, fondly remembering the fun they enjoy together.  My favorite comments:  “I like it when you come in my room when I cry”; “Sharing thoughts with you,” and on both of their lists:  “I really like playing with the rats with you.”   Who knew those Christmas rodents would create harmony in our house?

When big brother walked into the room, he slung an insult out of habit.  The other two stopped him cold.  “Looks like you need to write down ten things you appreciate about us,”  his siblings ordered.   He sputtered and squawked for awhile, but they held him to it.  He came up with a pretty good list, actually.  Number six: “I enjoy playing with the rats together.”     

Maybe there’s hope for this trio of siblings after all.  I know the harmony won’t last long, but I’ve got some lists to remind them (and me) of those happier times together.

And when all else fails, just let out the rats.

photo credit: Laenulfean

My middle son (age 11) is a dramatic one.  He loves goofing around, speaking in funny voices, and even dressing up upon occasion.  He’s always dreamed of being an actor.  I have no idea whether he’d be good at it, but I do know he would have a blast. 

But he doesn’t like to be pressured.  He wants to know exactly what to expect.  And the most important thing in the world right now?  His friends.  Of course, that’s the nature of 6th grade:  those other tweens know so much more about the real world–at least what’s cool or interesting– than mom does.  If mom thinks it’s cool, it’s most likely not.  That’s probably my fatal flaw.       

When the opportunity of the all-school play arose, I was sure he’d want to join.   This isn’t a dweeby activity–the annual play at our middle school is a huge event.  Everyone who makes the commitment is accepted, and last year, almost 200 kids danced and sang their way through Bye Bye Birdie.  The community support for this gig is unbelievable.  My son saw the production and clearly announced he wanted to join as soon as he could. 

That was before he started talking to his new 6th grade friends.  Most haven’t experienced any of these productions, so they rejected the idea of putting themselves out there.  What self-respecting 6th grade boy would do such a thing?  

Except we all knew this activity was perfect for this 6th grade boy.   That is, everyone but my son knew it, and the unknown is to be avoided at all costs.   

So despite much encouragement, haranguing, pressure and bargaining, he dug his heels in deep.  I finally remembered to follow my own parenting advice:  let him make the choice.  If I forced him to do it, he’d probably keep arguing about every rehearsal.  The battle between us would continue, and he’d have a hard time enjoying the process on his own.  We’ve learned this the hard way on other matters, and sometimes I’m slow to learn. 

So we let him choose.  He’s not doing the play this year, and he doesn’t have to be in the shadow of his big brother (which probably was part of the issue).  He’s got two more years to see if he’s interested, and if he does, he’ll throw his whole self into it.  (And he’ll love it, mom knows!)

I think we all breathed a sigh of relief when the decision was made, and I’m fine with it now.  I love my kid for sticking to his convictions.  But I really hope he chooses to do it next year.

photo credit: Wootang01

Maybe.  Or maybe not.  It depends.

I had fun reading the first book, and part of the second, but as I read deeper into the series, I began to feel queasy about issues that had nothing to do with vampires or sexual tension.  This saga is targeted to impressionable adolescents who are just beginning to sort out love and relationships.  

And I don’t want my sons or daughter to seek relationships like these. 

They probably won’t, since we don’t know any vampires or werewolves, but even so, I want to help my kids think through some of the following questions:

1)  What do you think of Bella Swan (the girl-next-door heroine)? 

Do you think Bella is good role model?  What makes her appealing beyond her looks (and apparently, her scent)?  Is she interested in anything besides Edward Cullen?  Do you think her accident-prone nature is endearing?  Does she believe in herself?  Do you relate to her struggles?  Would you want to be Bella’s friend?   

2)  What do you think of Edward Cullen (the hot–excuse me, cold– vampire boyfriend)?

Okay, Edward is gorgeous, chivalrous, sophisticated, and did I say gorgeous?   I might swoon for him too (except for the cold, hard, sparkly skin part–that’s not for me).  What do you like about the way he treats Bella?  Does anything concern you?   What do you think about the multiple-century age difference between them?

3)  How about Jacob Black (the other friend/werewolf)?

What qualities do you see in Jacob?  What makes him different from Edward?  Who would you prefer as a friend?

3)  Are there any humans in this series you could look up to?

Are there any (human) women you admire in this movie?  What about men?  (Do you hear the sound of crickets chirping?)

4)  What do you think of Edward and Bella’s relationship?

It’s really exciting to be loved, rescued and protected by a superhuman dreamboat who would do anything for you.   Edward clearly loves Bella.  But seriously, how much fun would it really be to be Edward Cullen’s girlfriend (aside from the constant threat of peril)?  Would you really enjoy being watched nonstop, even while you weren’t aware of it?  What if your boyfriend forbid you to go places or talk to certain people?   What if he got really angry and out of control sometimes?  Are these signs of a healthy relationship, or not?

When Edward leaves her, Bella falls into deep depression until she befriends another guy (Jacob).   Do you think Bella could be happy without a boy?  If you were her friend, what advice would you give Bella?  Do you know the warning signs of serious depression?  What are some healthier ways to deal with heartbreak? 

*******************************

Now, many of you might feel like I’m getting much too serious about this fantasy.  I get that.  I think people can enjoy the passionate thrill of these movies.  My boys will probably roll their eyes and moan, “Mom, you’re doing it again.  We can handle this–we know it’s not like real life!”  and that’s okay with me.  That’s my job as their mother.  I need to be sure my kids don’t want to be just like Edward.  Or Bella.  Or both, together.   Because that could become a bloody mess–for real. 

If you’re looking for balanced information to decide whether movies, games or books are age appropriate, I highly recommend Common Sense Media. 

With the above caveats, I hope you enjoy the movie, the adventure, and the eye candy.    Let me know what you think. 

They had the amazing opportunity to don authentic Japanese costumes and march in the Hikone Shiro-matsuri (Castle Festival) Parade:

The boys are probably thinking, “Don’t mess with me.  I’m carrying a sword.”

And a beautiful blend of the two cultures, old and new:

“Once you have traveled, the voyage never ends, but is played out over and over again in the quiestest chambers. The mind can never break off from the journey.” - Pat Conroy, The Prince of Tides

I sent my fourteen year old son around the world to Japan last weekend.  He’s traveling with a dozen eighth and ninth graders (and two teachers) to our sister city of Hikone.  He’ll live with our friend Kohei, explore Kyoto and Hiroshima, and embark on the adventure of a lifetime.  I’m not superstitious, but the fact that he left on Halloween and will return on Friday the 13th did give me slight pause, mostly for the irony. 

I’ve been choked up about his departure, but not for the reasons you might expect.  Once the plane lands safely (and it already has), my heart really doesn’t fear something terrible happening.  Perhaps that’s protective denial, but I’m really quite comfortable with his safety.  What keeps needling me is how this will impact his view of the world.  He’ll have a real connection with a family and teens in a completely different culture, and he’ll learn how similar we are where it really counts.  He’ll get a glimpse of the impact, more than 50 years later, of a real weapon of mass destruction, and offer a small gesture of peace.  He’ll visit shrines and temples and gain some respect for completely different religions. 

With all these experiences, he can’t help but come back a different son.  I look forward to that, while at the same time I’m sentimental about saying goodbye to the innocent one.  Does that make sense?

Lest I wax on too seriously, I know he’s still a teenager.  I hope he will be sensitive about his world travels around others who might never enjoy such an experience, but I know that will be hard.  I also know much of his “adventure” won’t be lofty but more quirky things only teen would notice.  Here’s a quick rundown of the teen perspective through our preparation:

Sensei’s advice:  Don’t mess with the fancy toilets. 

Teen’s response:  I can’t wait to play with the fancy toilets.

Sensei’s advice:  DO NOT FEED THE DEER (at the Itsukushima Jinja Shrine).  THEY WILL ATTACK YOU. 

Teen’s response:  Let’s get (my funny friend) to feed the deer and see what happens.

Sensei’s advice:  Remember the honor bestowed upon you.  Don’t get too goofy with the Samurai sword you’ll carry in the parade. 

Teen’s response:  Oh boy!  We get to play with real Samurai swords. 

Sensei’s advice:  Don’t even think about buying beer from the vending machines. 

Mom’s response:  I don’t even want to think about it.

Take home lesson:  Remember the power of suggestion.  Never say, “Don’t do this adventerous thing” to a teenager (or his parents!)

May God’s blessings be upon them through the next couple of weeks, on the plane or in the toilets!

photo credit: lrargerich

Schedule a one mile “luggage walk” with their fully packed travel gear a week before departure:

Might seem silly, but it’s a very effective way to ensure they can carry all of their stuff.  

Sometimes the most brilliant strategies are the simplest.  

How do you get your kids to think ahead?

“It was crazy, mom,” my sixth grade son breathed when he burst through the door after his first middle school fun night.

“Is that good?” I wondered, my imagination filling with crazy things that could happen in middle school.

“I think it was the best night of my life!” he gushed. 

Whew.  I breathed a sigh of relief and basked in his excitement as he told me all about the pizza, the dodge ball, and the crazy dancing, with everyone jumping and shouting to the hippest tunes.  He demonstrated, jumping, bobbing his head and waving one arm high:  “You (bounce, bounce) change your mind (bounce, bounce) like a girl (bounce, bounce) changes clothes (bounce, bounce). . . ”  I was energized and exhausted at the same time, just watching him buzz through the joy of youth.

“Well, he’s an extrovert,” my rather introverted husband deadpanned.  An understatement, if ever there was one.  This son definitely draws his energy from the crowd. 

Fun nights are a huge improvement over the junior high dances I remember.  No longer do opposite sexes line up against the wall, awkwardly awaiting an invitation or hiding away in the crowd.  At our school, fun night includes options for the wild diversity of teen or tweenhood:  swimming, basketball, dodge ball, food, dancing (mostly in groups), or just hanging out.   Kids are given opportunities to find their comfort zone and revel in it.  Chaperoning one of these events is a fascinating window to the middle school habitat. 

Of course, there’s no escaping the complicated social dynamics of that age.  At any given turn, for mysterious reasons, one can slide from the top of this exciting roller coaster to the depths, wondering if he’ll ever rise again. 

For tonight, my boy is feeling the thrill of the ride, and I’m thrilled with him.  I hope that he hangs on to that confidence as the roller coaster lurches through its necessary twists and turns, the recent joy boosting him through the low scoops. 

And I pray that he stays safe and securely buckled for the duration.

photo credit: thecrypt

Now that fall is approaching full swing, are you having conversations like this?

How was your day? fine.

What happened at school (or work)? not much.

Wanna talk about it? not really.

It seems like no matter how hard I try, those questions never seem to elicit much information, especially as my kids grow older.  A wise school counselor once suggested phrasing the question differently to draw out more of a response.  Just begin with “I wonder. . .” and ask about a more specific scenario: 

I wonder. . . who you sat with at lunch today?

I wonder. . . how things went in math class?

I wonder. . . what kids do before the first bell rings?

Somehow, when I phrase my questions this way, my kids want to fill in the blanks for poor, clueless, curious mom.  They begin to open up and I actually learn something about their world away from home.   We have a real, back and forth, give and take conversation.  Amazing.

Try it today! I wonder how it will work in your family?

For more great Works for Me Wednesday ideas, go to We are THAT Family.

I’ve been watching the DVDs of NBC’s Friday Night Lights (just the first season) with my older sons.  I’ve been strangely drawn to this series, which chronicles the adventures of a football-obsessed Texas town that is hauntingly familiar.   Actually, I didn’t grow up in Texas, we weren’t that good at football, and our lives weren’t quite so dramatic, but some of the antics and characters in this town hit home.   It’s rather PG-13, so I’ve been weighing whether it’s appropriate viewing material for my boys.   I think it’s definitely too mature for my 8-year old daughter.

I began to realize that almost every character makes some major moral compromise along the way, driven by history, circumstance or outside pressures.  Most of these same characters have admirable (or at least attractive) features too.  Not one person is 100% good or bad, just like real life.

My 13 year old loves the football drama and, true to character, stays silent through the “iffy” scenes.  My 11 year old yells, out loud, “NO!  Don’t do it!  Why is he/she being so stupid?” 

It quickly became clear these films were a golden opportunity to discuss important issues with my teen and tween, because it won’t be so long before they have access to these temptations.  I don’t want to risk them thinking the choices are just what any other teenager would (or, God forbid, should) do.  But I do want them to see how easy it is to fall prey to bad decisions in certain situations.  I also want them to understand what leads to such choices, for a couple of reasons:

1. So they can make good judgments on their own, when they won’t be asking my advice
2. So they might have some understanding and compassion for people who make mistakes

So, along the football theme, I’ve decided to look at this series something like a team reviews game clips.  We’ll view each episode and then talk about the following:

1. What characters did you admire (or not) in that episode?  Why? 
2. Why do you think ________ made that choice?
3. What could _____ have done differently in that situation? 
4. What do you think you would have done? 

I’m hoping this little experiment will help my kids expand their playbook for life’s real dramas.  

What do you think?  If you have older kids, what opportunities have you used to teach life lessons?

I’ll leave you with the coach’s speech from the first pilot episode:

photo credit: beX out loud