more graceful apologies
Have you ever insisted your child say how sorry he is? Does he glare at you with a pouty lip, look at the floor, and spit out “SORRry” in that resentful tone? Or better yet, does she flip her hair, roll her eyes, and play her best imitation of the latest pre-teen star? Surely you know what I mean—I’ve watched my kids do this, I’ve been the recipient of it, and it isn’t very satisfying.
Have you ever wondered why coerced apologies don’t work so well?
Forcing your child to “say sorry” has good intentions, but if it isn’t heartfelt, it sends a very mixed message: “You should feel this way. Push down all your real feelings and pretend they don’t exist.” Sometimes it gives kids an easy excuse. Just say, “I’m SORRry,” and somehow they get off the hook. Even the children aren’t satisfied. One resents the other, and the problem isn’t really solved. There must be more to this.
So how do we guide our children through conflicts while still teaching responsible, caring behavior?
We need to model authentic behavior. If a child is not sorry, help communicate feelings: “tell him you’re angry because. . . .“ or “tell her you’re frustrated with. . . “ Help children learn from their mistakes. Ask, “what did you learn from this?” and “what are you going to do differently next time?”
This is enough. Children do not have to feel severe pain or self-criticism to learn from mistakes. The “I learned. . .and next time. . . “ pattern provides the opportunity to learn and make a positive behavior change.
If a child is sorry, certainly encourage him or her to say so. This can be a cleansing release. When the apology comes freely from the heart, you have a chance to model forgiveness. Enjoy it. Immerse your child in hugs, love and grace.
Finally, remember to ask forgiveness for your own mistakes, and make sure your kids witness you doing so. Pray that someday, your child will learn to also ask for forgiveness without any coercion whatsoever.
This was originally posted in December 2008, based on “Say You’re Sorry” from Parent Talk by Chick Moorman. Check out more great “works for me” ideas at We are THAT Family.
Hi Pam,
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Dee
I love this. I have never been a fan of those forced apologies, precisely because of the insincerity. You present a great solution here. To have them express their true feelings, adding a “because…”, an “I learned…”, and a “next time…”. We’ve been working on that in our home. It takes practice. But it’s worth it.
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Yes! Cultivating reasonable remorse is a bit of an art. (Not always easy to find that sweet spot – just enough remorse to learn.) We want our kids to feel the right level of sorry if they hurt someone. I would add though – that having expectations of publicly owning it is important. I give you the banking fiasco of late – frustration at not hearing people take some ownership and apologize. The apology helps with forgiveness and moving on.
So much wisdom! I have been struggling with this lately with my 4 year old. I do think there are times to require an apology out of respect for the other person (especially when you are in a public setting). I love what you said about getting the child to express feelings. I like the idea of helping them learn from their emotions. Thank you for this post.
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Thanks, ladies! I do agree that there are times when accepting responsibility and apologizing are required. To me, the most important thing is helping our children connect cause and effect, their impact on other people, and learning from it, rather than “saying the magic words”. Thanks for your insights.
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Have a great day and I’ll see you around the blogosphere. 
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