Beyond Just Mom

Like so many people today, I’ve discovered the joy of connecting with old friends via Facebook.   As I bump into childhood buddies, I’ve been flooded with memories of good old times in my hometown. 

I must say, (if I do say so myself), I was a pretty “good” kid.  I got good grades, I had nice friends, I went to church, and I think I turned out pretty much Okay.  I wasn’t wild, but I wasn’t perfect.  I tested boundaries and did crazy things like most kids do. 

Somehow, I’ve pushed some memories aside in my quest to be a responsible adult.  I’ve worked hard to protect my children from risk and harm and corruption.  I do believe, though, that on our ridiculous quest to be perfect parents in an imperfect world, it’s vital that we remember what it really was like in those days. 

I need to remember the whole picture–the good, the bad, and the ugly.  I must remember things I did that were not safe or wise–and how much I wanted to do those things.  Even if I never want my kids to repeat my mistakes, I learned some coping skills from those risky adventures.  And how, despite those mistakes, I still turned out Okay.  Thank goodness.

***WARNING:  Many links to embarassing 80’s trash to follow.  You may lose some respect for the author***

1. When I stress over screen time or natural foods, I need to remember that I watched TV after school just about every day, and I ate lots of processed snacks, and I didn’t get super fat or die young.  I’m actually glad I can still quote  Brady Bunch and other silly sit-coms. 
2. When I worry about the impact of “teen” movies on my younger kids, I need to remember memorizing every song and dance of Grease –peppered with smoking, drinking, and casual sex–at a young age.  Did I immediately run out and do those things?  Nah.
3. When I’m outraged by today’s music, I need to remember spending hours with my girlfriends making up dance routines to lyrics like “She’s a very kinky girl. . . “ without really getting the meaning.  I just liked the beat. 
4. When I hope my kids will talk to me about everything, I need to remember that my approachable teacher mom counseled many kids through sex and other tough subjects, but I didn’t dare talk with her about such things.
5. When I think my kids would never lie to me, I need to remember sneaking into awful “R” movies (remember Porky’s  or Fast Times at Ridgemont High?), drinking beer out in the desert, and taking off to forbidden places.  Yes, we were stupid, and we could have (and should have) gotten into big trouble.  But we handled the risks in our own teen ways, and it was very exciting. 
6. When I think I can manage my kids’ peer choices, I need to remember that some not-so-holy things happened at church camp.  I need to remember that sometimes the “bad” kids were really thoughtful and kind, and sometimes the “good” kids were deceiving and hurtful.  The parents usually figured that out last.
7. When I worry about my kids’ spirituality, I need to remember some intense discussions with friends about faith, and how often I prayed by myself without telling anyone.  And how I felt God was with me, even through the ”bad” stuff.

Please don’t misunderstand me:  I’m not suggesting we kick back and let our kids loose.   I’m a very careful parent (ask my kids!).  But there is value in remembering, not denying, the reality out there.  It reminds me that as hard as I try, I can’t shelter or control my kids from every situation.  The risks and temptations today are huge, but now that I recall, the risks and temptations back then weren’t exactly small. 

What I can do is try to understand their world, set reasonable limits, build a trusting relationship, stay connected, and teach them how to make good judgements, wherever they may find themselves. 

And hope and pray that they turn out Okay.

Credit to Anne Lamott for capitalizing Okay–like it’s this big fat concept–I love how she does that!