powerful ways to praise
If you wanted to praise your child for something he or she did, what would you say? 
Most parents in my workshops respond, “Good job! Nice catch. Beautiful picture. Wonderful story.”
That’s okay, but it could be better. I tend to hunger for more. There’s a reason.
I’ve learned to think about two parts to every comment:
- 1) Our words (good job!)
- 2) The child’s internal words (”cool!” or maybe “whatever” or “not really“)
Which one carries more weight? You got it — #2. The internal words will create the tape that replays in her mind. That’s the part that sticks. We want to shape our praise so that she tells herself–internally–“I did a great job.”
Typically, we evaluate or judge our child’s product or beha
vior (That’s “great”). It may work temporarily, but for the long term we want our kids to evaluate on their own. A confident person can self-evaluate without depending on someone else. This is crucial in the teenage years, when peers become the ultimate resource. Evaluations are also easy to discredit. How many of us say, “This old thing?” when someone tries to compliment us? Or when you tell a teen she’s beautiful or smart, does she believe it?
A better way: Build confidence with evidence. Use the phrase “I noticed. . .”
Make your praise descriptive, like a video camera. Notice the factual details, the effort, the steps toward success, and then replay it for your child.
“I noticed you worked on catching that fish for 45 minutes.” Then bite your tongue. . . and let the child think, “I’m persistent. I did a good job.”
“I noticed Abby smiling when you helped her with that project.” The evidence of Abby smiling is more powerful than telling him how nice he was.
“I noticed that sweater really brings out the color of your eyes.” Teach your partner this one. You might look in the mirror and actually believe it!
Everyone loves to be noticed. Use “I noticed. . . “ and tell me how you notice the impact.
Do you live in or around Southeast Michigan? Come learn The Six Best Parenting Strategies Ever with me and Thomas Haller on March 28th. Click here to get the scoop.
Go to We are THAT Family for more Works for Me Wednesday ideas.
Yes, this post first ran in October 2008. Thanks to those of you who might be reading again.
I’m getting kind of spooked about your Wednesday posts. They always teach me, that’s not spooky. But many times they reinforce something I’ve been working on at the very time you post about it. I love it.
I just told someone the other day that telling her kids that’s good and great and awesome all the time isn’t all that necessary, but saying you noticed leads them to feel your attention was actually real, not forced or fake. I have to keep working on this though, it’s much easier to say that’s great, but this internal thing makes perfect sense to me.
Heather of the EO’s last blog post..The Lazy Mama’s Guide to Healthy(er) Snacking
Ha! I think that’s because we’re all trying to get better at these things. I have to keep working on it too. Often I’ll automatically say, “Good job”, but then I’ll remember to add “I noticed. . . ” to it. Still works. “Thank you” plus specifics on how it helped you is another.
Pam this is so awesome and very much just in time. Thank you – I LOVE this site!!!!! Love, Robin
What a great post. People tell me I’m a great mom. But I LOVE ideas like this! I am starting right now.
Stacey’s last blog post..Get rid of a sunburn
Love the phrase “I noticed . . .”
Not only are you giving your child some type of reinforcement or direction, you are also telling your child that you are paying attention.
Loved these tips, especially the “I noticed…” statements. You’re right, everyone wants to be noticed. That seems to really stick with my kids when I say that. Thanks for the reminder!
I agree, I use this way all the time with my boys. I’ll ask them to tell me about the item and I’ll point things out that I am curious about or how I noticed they changed something with the project.
Great post
Kathy’s last blog post..Where is the best place to live?
I caught myself and switched to “I noticed” three times today, and it worked like magic. Thanks for reposting this.
charrette’s last blog post..—And Don’t Tell Anyone You’re My Mother (she said sweetly)
So happy to hear the good things you noticed!
Your advice came just in time. I wanted to say to my son: “So, you finally sent out an announcement about xyz.” But instead I said, “I noticed that you sent out an announcement.” Yes, it worked like a charm! It prompted a conversation rather than just a gloomy look from my big-time procrastinator. Any advice on what to do about that subject?
Hmm, as a professional procrasinator, something I call “just-in-time efficiency”, nothing comes to mind. Yet.
Glad to hear an example for a ‘big kid’. I think I noticed his announcement too, by the way.
I noticed that your WFMW posts always generate a lot of positive comments.
Louise’s last blog post..Thursday Tips: Creative Sanitation
Why thank you, Louise!
Pam,
I have kids and grandkids in SE Michigan. I’d like for my son and daughter-in-law to attend one of your workshops. Love what you have to say here.
Mike in Tucson
Mike in Tucson’s last blog post..Living In The Desert Is Cool. I’m Cereus!
[...] it comes to effective praise and encouragement, a few simple elements make all the [...]